This is Dumb but
maybe scoot those likes over to the YouTube page instead of the tumbler post!
Let Me Tell You About Video Games Presents: Mom...
My friend Mike and I have recently launched a youtube channel called Let Me Tell You About Video Games, where we play games that one or both of us have never played before, and usually games that one or both of us will probably not like very much. It’s essentially Mom Effect but with my friend instead of my mother. And as a side-project on the channel I am reviving Mom Effect as a video...
We move on from the security station. Mom: I miss Jack. Me: Well, maybe you shouldn’t have gotten her killed then. Mom: Hey! Me: You know I couldn’t even find a screenshot of her dying there? No one else on the internet thought putting her in charge of that team was a good idea. Not a single one. Mom: She needed it! She needed someone in her life to trust her and give her an...
A Working Relationship
We continue to push through the base. We come across a security station, and Liara boots up the footage to see if she can learn anything about the inside saboteur that’s helping Cerberus. She finds footage of a woman killing two other scientists. Kaidan: Who’s that? Mom: Are you kidding me? First he’s nasty to me, and now he’s staring at this other woman? Liara...
The More Things Change
As we head into the facility, we run into Liara, who comes crawling out of a vent and throws a Singularity to stop two Cerberus troops. Mom: Ughhhhh Liara you’d best count yourself lucky you’re one of the only invincible squadmates in the series. After a short reunion with that blue chick that helped us briefly with Saren two and a half years ago and then tossed us a little bit of...
We land on Mars, only to find that we’ve been beaten here by none other than Cerberus. They’re executing the Alliance guards outside. Me: The terrorists that you worked with last game are here trying to get to the weapon before us! Mom: Oh big deal. We take out the troopers outside of the complex. Kaidan reveals that he’s suspicious that we may somehow be involved in this. ...
A Glimmer of Hope
Joker puts us on a direct course for the Charon Relay, but on the way we receive a transmission from Admiral Hackett. A team of researches, led by Dr. Liara T’soni, have uncovered something in the Prothean Archives on Mars: a weapon that the Protheans had been developing to defeat the Reapers. Me: So they think they’ve found something that can fight back these aliens. Mom:...
The Normandy shoots into space. The crew that happened to be on board during the extraction have no choice but to come with us. Vega in particular is furious about abandoning earth. Me: This is one of our new teammates in this game. Mom: Bleh. Me: What’s that for? Mom: He’s a big doofus. Mom isn’t immediately throwing herself at the male human squadmate this time. I...
After an intense shootout with a horde of Cannibals, we manage to clear an area for the Normandy to land and pick us up. Anderson, however, chooses to stay behind. He’s going to direct forces on Earth, while you head to the Citadel to plead your case to the Council, and hopefully gain reinforcements to stop the Reapers before it’s too late. Shepard’s reluctant to leave...
Setting Up for Disappointment
Mom: Where’s Jacob? Me: He didn’t come with you when you got sent to jail. He’s not a member of the military so he’s probably out in space somewhere. Mom: We’ll find him. As we continue through the warzone, Shepard stumbles upon the kid from before—ugh, me—hiding in the vents of a ruined building. We try to coax me out but I’m too scared,...
Enemy Is Everywhere
Before we even know what’s hit us, The Reapers land in Vancouver. A laser fires at Alliance HQ. An explosion rocks the building, killing everyone in the room but us and Anderson. The admiral tells us we need to head to the Normandy, and fast. We race along the rooftops of Vancouver, fighting off husks as we go. Anderson barks orders and instructions as we go. Mom: Who the hell is he to...
We’re ushered into a large chamber, filled with Earth’s military leaders. We tell them what they already know. The Reapers are here. We warn them that there is no victory against this enemy; the only goal is survival. The conversation is interrupted with feeds from around the world. Against all possibility, the Reapers have already smashed through Earth’s defenses, and are...
An Alliance soldier enters our cell. Shepard identifies him as James Vega. He tells us that Admiral Anderson wants to speak with us. Anderson: You look good Shepard. Mom: Damn straight I do. Thankfully (for Anderson) she talks over the crack about Shepard gaining some weight. Anderson explains the situation. A massive force has been picked up by Earth’s detection system, moving at an...
A Fate Worse Than Death
After a text crawl that mom doesn’t read and an ominous opening that she doesn’t care about, we cut to Shepard observing a child playing with a toy space ship from the confines of her cell. Mom: Is that you? Me: No. Mom: I think it is. Me: It’s not me. Mom: If it’s not you then I’m not playing. Me: Ugh… fine, it’s me.
Making Mama's Moneymaker
Me: Now that we’re starting the third game, we’re going to have an opportunity to change what you look like. Mom: Thank God. Can we get new clothes too? Me: Not right away, but yeah. Mom: Finally. Alright step one get rid of that awful hairdo. Me: Alright, let me cycle through the options to see if you like any of these. Mom: Ugh, why are these all so short? Why can’t I...
Me: Before we get started, I should probably get you up to speed on a few basic plot details, since we’re starting a new game today. Mom: But I don’t care! Me: I know but it’s funnier when you have at least a vague idea about what’s going on. Mom: Fine. Me: So, the enemy that we’ve been fighting in both of these games are called the Reapers. They’re these...
Mass Effect 3 updates will most likely start tomorrow night. It goes without saying that from here on out, every post will contain spoilers for ME3, so if you haven’t played it yet you might want to stop reading the blog until you do.
Mass Effect 2, According to Mom, According to Me
Now that our long, harrowing, slow-updating trek through Mass Effect 2 is over, it would be valuable to take stock and try to figure out exactly what in God’s name my mother imagines the story of Mass Effect 2 to be. If you’ll recall, we learned in Mass Effect 1 that The Illusive Man is Kaidan’s older brother, and CEO of the Calvin Klein corporation. When blue-jeans sales in...
Honoring the Lost
It is time once again to remember those who were stupid enough to come within twenty miles of Commander Shepard, and lost their lives for their transgression. Maestro, if you’d be so kind. Commander Robyn “Mama” Shepard, Systems Alliance N7 Operative and Citadel Spectre. Killed during a routine patrol by a Collector ambush. Later resurrected by Cerberus’ Lazarus...
Completion, Part 2
Music Final Statistics, Mass Effect 2: Robyn “Mama” Shepard Infiltrator Earthborn Ruthless 60% Renegade 20% Paragon -14 hours, 51 minutes -97 days -190 Posts -1,033 Followers Deaths: 9 Most Used Squadmate: Jacob Taylor Least Used Squadmate: 5-Way Tie ———————- Samara Legion Thane Tali Mordin ...
And... She's Safe!
We hail Joker and tell him to come get us. He tells us that none of our crew made it back to the ship, and that Mordin died holding the line. Harbinger offers us a final warning that our actions here will prove fruitless, and that the Reapers will eradicate us one way or the other. Shepard makes a flying leap for the Normandy. Me: Uh-oh. Are you gonna make it? Mom: Of course I am. She does,...
At Long Last
We take out the human Reaper. With its dying breath, it releases a roar and smashes the platforms that we’re standing on. We’re separated from Jacob and Miranda, and dive to catch Jacob before he falls into the abyss. Mom: Whoa whoa whoa you better not be getting Jacob killed! Me: I didn’t decide to bring him. Mom: You should have warned me! Fortunately, Jacob is loyal to...
The Final Choice
With the human Reaper dead and the crew (sort of) rescued, all that’s left to do is destroy the Collector base and get the hell out of dodge. As we’re preparing our bomb, however, we receive a transmission from The Illusive Man. He suggests that there might be a better option than destroying the base. If instead we release an intense burst of radiation, we can kill the Collectors...
We head into the base’s core with Jacob and Miranda in tow. After taking out some Collectors, we come face to face with the reason that they’ve been kidnapping humans. They’re melting down our genetic material and using it to build a new Reaper! Mom: He’s ugly. We take out the tubes feeding the larval Reaper and send it plummeting into the chasm its suspended over.
Preparing for the Final Push
Editor’s note: It is incredibly hard to find screenshots depicting a specific set of surviving crew members! With friends lost and obstacles overcome, we now stand at the entrance to the base’s core. It’s time to choose our squadmates for the final fight. Mom: I’m still pissed off about Jack. Me: Maybe you should’ve been a better leader then. Mom: HEY. Me:...
The Cruel and Uncaring Designs of Fate
Mom: Why did those bugs grab Grunt and not Miranda? Me: Miranda just got lucky, I guess. Mom: Bitch. I’ll get her next time. We head to the rendezvous point. The distraction team approaches us. Jack has a nasty gunshot wound in her side. She collapses to the ground. Mom: WHAT. Jack offers Shepard a few brief parting words before passing on. Mom: WHAT.
A Death in the Family
Me: Alright, so we’re taking Miranda. You’ve given Jacob and Jack jobs, so we need to pick someone else to take with us. Mom: But I don’t like any of these guys. Me: Maybe you should’ve thought about that earlier. What about Grunt, your little brother? Mom: Yeah, ok. We head out into the swarms, and slowly make our way to the exit. Jacob is clearly struggling as we...
The Long Walk
With Legion gone, we regroup in the base’s central chamber. The walls are lined with the Collectors’ pods, and we watch in horror as a colonist from Horizon is melted down, her genetic material sucked into a pipe that leads to the base’s core. We act quickly to get the Normandy crew free. Dr. Chakwas thanks us profusely for saving her. Mom: Ugh, this bitch? We make it as...
Will I Dream?
Me: We also need to decide on someone to lead the second team. This time Miranda is an option, so— Mom: Miranda. Me: Yeah, I figured as much. By complete accident, mom makes two correct choices for this section. Of course, neither of them are loyal, so it doesn’t matter. We begin gunning our way through the Collecter base, and Legion barely manages to hack the door open in time to...
We crashland on the Collector base. The Normandy is heavily damaged, but it should be ready to make the return voyage once we’re done here. What we need now is a plan to break into the base. Shepard gathers the crew in the conference room. Mom: What the hell is Miranda doing here? Me: You did tell the whole crew to come here. Mom: I thought she hated me now. Me: She does, but that...
Starting Off With a Bang
Hours after our private time with Jacob, we approach the Omega-4 relay. It responds to our IFF software and dormant protocols become active. We’re flung through the galaxy and arrive in the galactic core. The crew regards the chaos of black holes and debris with awe, but the moment is cut short as we’re assailed by Oculus Reaper drones. We head to the cargo bay to fight off one that...
Calculating the Risk-Reward Ratio
We cast all caution to the wind and make a beeline for the Omega-4 Relay. On the way, Jacob Taylor comes up to our quarters. Things get steamy fast, and before long he and Shepard are entangled in the sheets. Me: Alright. So, you just had… relations, with Jacob. Mom: Yes!
Unshackling the AI Core
Mom: Whoa, what the hell is going on? Me: We play as Joker for this part. Mom: Why? Me: I don’t know, we just do. Shepard’s not around right now and there’s some bad stuff going on. Mom: Well, you BETTER not get my boyfriend killed like how you get me killed all the time. Me: I don’t get you killed all the time. Mom: Yeah yeah yeah. Joker sneaks along the Normandy,...
A House Divid--Nevermind
Back on the ship, we go through the same tired old song and dance as always, before finally deciding to help out Legion. The Reapers have given the Heretic Geth a virus that will convert all Geth into servants of the Reapers. He wants us to go to the Heretic Station and destroy it in order to protect the freedom of his people. As we’re getting ready to head out though, we receive a...
We complete our rampage through Dantius Towers and finally come face to face with Nassana, two years and hundreds of blog posts later. She thinks that we’re the assassins, which provides the actual killer the perfect opporunity. Thane drops from the vents behind her and murders her quickly and efficiently. He positions her body respectfully and says a prayer for the wicked. Mom: This guy...
The Hat Trick
Liara’s contact tells us that Thane Krios has been hired to assassinate an asari named Nassana Dantius, a woman who called us up back in Mass Effect 1 to discuss a business proposition, but we blew her off. She offers to take us to Dantius Towers, where we can hopefully catch the assassin before he escapes. The asari flies us to the bottom of one of the towers. Mom asks why we...
In order to recruit Thane the assassin, we’re going to need intel. Fortunately, we have a connection on Illium: Liara T’Soni, the daughter of that weird bug lady we killed, that weird girl that we left to rot in a stasis field for months before saving her, pressing her for information, and then ditching her, is now working as an information broker on Illium. We enter her office and...
Basic Pattern Recognition
Mom: Let’s do this shit. Me: Dang, you’re pumped today. Alright, let’s look at what missions we have available. We can check out the Normandy crash, investigate Project Overlord, help Tali, help Mordin, help Zaeed, go see what Legion the robot wants, rescue Dr. Kenson— Mom: God I’m sick of helping all these people. Me: Well that’s… kind of the game...
Don’t put that TJ Maxx tag in the picture for the website! I don’t...
Wheels Within Wheels and Fires Within Fires
Mom comes back from the store with some new clothes. Mom: What the heck? Why are these jeans so expensive? Oh, they’re Calvin Klein, that’d explain it. Me: It’s all Kaidan’s fault. Mom: Huh? Me: You know, from Mass Effect. Mom: Oh! Haha, you’re right. Do you know what they’re actually up to? Me: I cannot even pretend to know. Mom: What’s the big...
Night on the Town
We head over to the Dark Star club to get some drinks. Naturally, Mom shotguns everything the bartender hands her and ends up passing out, waking up in the men’s bathroom. Mom: Why isn’t Jack down on the floor with me? She was supposed to be matching me drink for drink!
Impossibly Complex Machinations
We head to the meeting spot that Harkin set up. Garrus prepares to snipe Sidonis. Mom: Wait, I thought we already killed the guy we came to kill! Me: What? No. Mom: Yeah we just shot him! Me: We only shot that guy in the leg, and besides, that wasn’t who we’re after. That was just the guy who could tell us where our target is. We just needed info from him Mom: I thought the ugly...
We head for the warehouse district. Harkin’s ready for us, and throws wave after wave of mechs and mercs at us. We punch through his defenses and make it to the control room. Mom: “I remember Harkin.” Me: No you don’t you liar. Mom: Shoosh, HE doesn’t know that! Garrus beats Harkin into submission. The crooked C-Sec officer finally relents, and agrees to set up...
We head into the warehouse to talk to Fade, the criminal who made Sidonis “disappear.” Fade is a volus, flanked on either side by a krogan mercenary. Mom: Shoot ‘em! A Renegade Interrupt appears and I do exactly that. Mom: Shoot Fade too! Me: We need information out of him! The volus gets nervous and immediately starts talking. He explains that he’s not actually...
For Mama Shepard, It Was Tuesday
Me: Near the beginning of the game, we got an email from Udina that we should go see him if we’re in this area. Mom: Who? Me: You remember the guy that you put in charge at the end of the first game? Mom: Oh, yeah, like I remember something. Me: You know the… the “mad scientist.” Mom: Nope. Me: Alright whatever. Do you want to go see him? Mom: Why would I want to...
Sidequests: Eternally for Chumps
We head into Zakera Ward. On the way to the warehouse, we overhear two krogan arguing about something. Me: One of those guys thinks that the reflecting pool here has fish in it. Mom: Okay. Me: Do you want to find out if it does for him? Mom: …Why would I want to waste my time doing that? Me: Fair enough. We head on downstairs and come across a volus, a quarian, and a C-Sec officer...