Back on the Normandy, Miranda and Jacob are arguing about what to do with the krogan. Me: Sounds like Miranda doesn’t want to wake up the test-tube krogan. Mom: Then we are poppin’ that sucker open right away. Miranda frowns and says she hopes we know what we’re doing. Mom: See, why does Miranda get a sexy outfit? She gets pretty hair, and sexy clothes, this is bullshit. ...
We head into the breeding room and take out Jedore. After dispatching of the rest of her krogan thugs, we head back up to the laboratory. Okeer is dead, and has left us a recorded message instructing us to take care of his “grunt.” Jack wants to pop it open but Jacob isn’t so sure. Me: Do you want to take the test-tube krogan with you? Mom: Eh, fine, only because he’s...
We finally make it to the top of the tower. After walking through a conspicuously empty room, we finally find Warlord Okeer. He grumbles about how long we took to get up here. Mom: That dude better change his tone if he doesn’t want me to shoot him in the face. Shepard tells him as much. Okeer shrugs it off. He explains that he’s been using The Blue Suns’ funds, along with...
As I climb the tower to Okeer’s laboratory, I get cornered by Blue Suns Heavies and die. Mom: Wow you really suck at this game. Me: Look, do you want to do the combat sections? Then don’t complain. Mom: MY job is to do the talking parts and I do it flawlessly. Me: Haha, oh please. You completely screwed the pooch with romancing Kaidan. Mom: No, no, no. I didn’t screw up...
The Most Shocking Twist Yet
Me: You know mom, after you decided that almost every character in the first game was made in a laboratory, I’m a bit insulted that you don’t have anything to say now that we’re on a mission about guys ACTUALLY made in a laboratory. Mom: What’s there to say? They’re [Shepard]’s siblings. Me: …What? Mom: OBVIOUSLY she was made in a petri dish too. Me:...
As we continue on, we encounter a krogan soldier. Something about us seems to perplex him. He has a difficult time communicating, but manages to explain that he is one of the rejected krogan clones, who has been dumped into the wilderness to fend for itself. Dad: It’s looking right at [Shepard]’s chest. Me: That’s how their heads are positioned. Mom: Yeah, I’ll bet. ...
Unrealistic Standards of Beauty
Mom: Wait, what happened to her overalls? Dad: And her fart vent. Mom: And her fart vent! Me: That’s your casual wear, it’s what she wears during her downtime. When you’re on a mission she wears combat armor. Mom: Why are her boobs so droopy? Me: Wha— Dad: She needs a Wonder Bra. Mom: Hahaha YES. Dad: Or she should ask [Jack] what brand of dental floss she uses. ...
Undermining the Experiment
Me: I’m assuming you want to take Jack and Jacob. Mom: Yep. We head down to the filthy, polluted world of Korlus. We fight off some Blue Suns when we run into a young mercenary who believes himself to be far more injured than he is. He tells us what little he knows, that his boss, Jedore, has hired a krogan scientist to breed her an army. The rejects are dumped into the wasteland where...
Me: So you remember last time how we helped the thief with that heist? Mom: …I guess? Me: She’s Loyal to us now because we helped her. Basically she’s willing to go the extra mile for us and stick her neck out. Mom: But… I don’t like her. Me: Well she likes you. Mom: Terrific. Me: Now where do you want to go next? We can go investigate the experiment gone...
As we continue to talk with Jack, she suggests that we should steal the Normandy from Cerberus and become pirates. Mom: Hell yes! Let’s do this. Me: We can tell her that our mission is too important for that or we can ask how she’d help. Mom: Screw that where’s the option to say let’s do it! Me: It’s not there. Mom: Dammit. “How would you help” then...
Criticism From the Peanut Gallery
Dad continues his diatribe on the importance of proper fart ventilation as we head down to the hold to talk with Jack. Dad: Yikes. Me: What? Dad: That girl looks like she got drunk in a tattoo parlor Me: That’s probably not too far off from the truth. We start to chat with Jack, but whatever it is that she was saying is drowned out by my dad. Dad: She ain’t got no clothes on...
Our Incorrigible Co-Host
Me: So, if you want, we can use the dress as our casual wear now. Mom: What’s the point? She’s too mannish to pull it off. I head up to the Captain’s Quarters to change out of the dress. Dad gets a good look at it. Dad: Yikes. That’s not a dress that’s a… leather… covering. It looks like it was designed by Hellen Keller. It makes her look like a...
Mom: How many followers do we have now? Me: 860. Mom: That’s all? It’s barely gone up at all in the past few days. Me: I like how you’ve gone from not believing that we could possibly get more than 100 followers to being dissatisfied with 860.
After killing Hokk and escaping from his mansion, Kasumi accesses her partner’s Graybox. Inside is a message to her from Keiji, telling her that he loves her. Mom: Ew, who could love her? Keiji tells her that for her own safety, she needs to destroy the Graybox to get rid of the sensitive information inside. Kasumi objects strongly. Me: Do you want to tell her to keep it or destroy it? ...
Me: The rest of this mission is basically all combat. You don’t need to pay attention. Mom: Bleh.
We head back down to the vault, its security now compromised. Kasumi cracks the lock while we equip our armor. The vault is massive, and contains large statues and scultpures, and even the head of the Statue of Liberty. On one pedestal sits a Locust SMG. Me: Check it out, this is a gun that was used to assassinate a president. Mom: Eh, big whoop. We’ve already got a lot of guns....
We get into Hock’s bedroom and start hunting for traces of DNA. Me: Do you want to check the couch for a sample? Mom: Ew, no. Try the bedsheets. Me: …You DO know that you can get DNA from things other than sperm, right?
Instead of shuttling Miranda down and smuggling her into the party, we decide to just sneak into Hock’s bedroom instead. A security guard is posted just outside. He tells us that we need authorization to get in, and we tell him that we’re allowed to go in. Guard: On whose authority? Me: You can say your own, Mr. Hock’s, or Chief Roe’s. We found a datapad earlier...
Me: All we need now is a sample of Hock’s DNA. Mom: Let’s go get Miranda.
In our efforts to locate the bar we accidentally stumble across what we’re actually here for, Hock’s vault. Kasumi looks it over and determines that we’ll need to accomplish four tasks to crack it. We need to acquire a sample of Hock’s voice as well as his DNA. We also need to find the vault’s password and cut its power. With these goals in mind we get to work. We...
Lipstick on a Pig
Kasumi activates her optical cloak, and tells us that she’ll be tailing us invisibly. We need to get in and locate the vault. Mom frowns as we get into the party. Mom: You know that’s a nice dress and all but it looks stupid when [Shepard] stands like a man. Me: Then you’re going to love this. I push the left stick and Shepard starts the canned jogging animation. Mom: Oh...
A Kindred Spirit
A wrench is thrown into our plans as we approach the entrance to Hock’s mansion. The guards are picking up something weird in the statue that’s hiding all of our guns. Mr. Hock himself steps outside to see what the trouble is. He decides to let us in, on the condition that our companion stay outside. Mom: Ask him why she can’t come. Hock scoffs. He says that he doesn’t...
This Oughtta Be Interesting
Me: So, we can investigate Project Overlord, recruite “The Krogan,” help the one-eyed guy kill a gang-leader, or help the thief pull a heist on a guy’s mansion. Mom: That one sounds good. But we need to bring The Convict. Me: Actually we do this alone with Kasumi. Mom: Bullshit. We start flying in to Donovan Hock’s mansion on Bekentstein. Kasumi explains that Hokk is...
Me: So, just for the record. How much of this game do you understand so far. Mom: Absolutely none of it. Me: That’s kind of what I thought. Mom: Well, I know that I’m trying to hunt down my boyfriend. Me: Well you know about how you died and got brought back to life, right? Mom: Yeah. Me: The terrorists that brought you back want your help to fight aliens that are kidnapping...
Me: Do you want to go flirt with Garrus? Mom: Which one is that again? Me: The alien guy. Mom: Oh. No, I’m not about the aliens. I’m all about the Dark Chocolate. Me: I thought you were going to be The Slut of the Normandy. Mom: I kind of already am. Me: …Are you? Mom: Yes.
Me: Do you want to go talk to the Convict we picked up last time? That girl who hates Miranda? Mom: The bitch? Definitely. Me: Alright, let’s get her upgrade first. Looks like her suggestion is to build a brain implant that will make her a stronger fighter. Mom: That doesn’t sound like a good idea. Kinda feel like she’s already strong enough. I don’t need her freaking...
Me: Do you want to chat up Jacob? Mom: No way. I don’t like that one-eyed weirdo. Me: Jacob’s the black guy. Mom: Oh! Yeah let’s talk to him. I like Jacob. Shepard proceeds to flirt with Jacob, and he offers to buy her a drink some time. Mom: Yes! Me: You’re doing a lot better with him than you did with Kaidan. Mom: Kaidan’s a tough nut to crack. We head...
Mom: They should make Mom Effect for real. Me: What? Mom: And instead of Garrus, or… what was the big guy in the first game? Me: …Wrex? Mom: No, no, the guy we set on fire. Me: …Saren? Mom: Yeah! Instead of them being in charge, I am. And everyone’s got to do everything I say and I’ve got stuff so cool that the Normandy looks like a piece of shit. And I own...
As we continue to pursue Jack, we run into Warden Kuril. We make quick work of him and move on. A cutscene shows Jack biotically tearing a group of guards to shreds. Mom: She’s kind of a badass. Me: See? She’s not so bad. Mom just glares at me. We finally catch up to Jack. She’s figured out that we’re with Cerberus, and is extremely distrustful of us. We manage to...
As Jack escapes from Cryo, she causes massive chaos in the Purgatory station. Fires break out everywhere, prisoners start escaping, and the mechs and mercs are all over the place, desperately trying to keep order. As we run to catch up with Jack, I round a corner and receive a few rockets to the face, dying. Mom: You got me killed?! Me: Looks like it. Mom: [Dad], he got me killed! Dad:...
Once we get deep enough into the prison, Warden Kuril reveals his plan. He wants to imprison us to sell us back to Cerberus for a massive profit. Mom: “Like Hell!” We start taking out the Blue Suns security troops, and make our way over to the cryo-stasis controls to release Jack. Mom: …Wait a second. Jack’s a girl too?! Me: Yeah. Mom: That’s twice now that...
Me: There are some things we can do to just sort of mess around on the Citadel, but there’s nothing that we need to get done. We could go help Kasumi with the heist or go recruit the Convict. Mom: Let’s get the Convict. We fly off to the Purgatory and take Kasumi and Jacob with us. Mom: Watch out! I’m grumpy, I’m drunk, and I’ve got a Thief. The prison guards...
We jump back on the Normandy and head straight for the Port Observation Deck, where Kasumi’s set up. Me: See? Check it out. Kasumi’s set up a bar on our ship. All the alcohol you want. Mom: Are you sure? Because last time you told me I could get a drink you got us killed! Me: I didn’t do that, the bartender did! And besides, we only ALMOST got killed. Anyway, do you want the...
We head onto the Citadel and are beckoned over by an advertisement that asks us to input our password. We tell it “silence is golden.” Kasumi smiles and introduces herself. Mom: Wait, wait wait. The thief is a girl? Me: Yeah. Mom: Oh you jerk. You knew that and you still let me come get her! Me: I can’t spoil things for you! Mom: She’s a thief! She’s going to...
Me: When we meet up with the thief, we’re supposed to say a password. It’s “Silence is golden.” Dad, from the other room: You know what else is golden? Pee. Me: Shut up, dad.
The Galaxy Map
Me: So now that we’ve finished with Omega for the time being, we can fly around the galaxy again, and the game’s really opened up. Mom: Zippity-do-da. Me: Cerberus has a secret experiment called Project Overlord. Something’s gone wrong, and they’d like us to help out. Mom: You know I’m not about helping out. Me: We could also go check out the wreck of our first...
Delusions of Grandeur
Me: So, there’s a new mechanic in this game. You didn’t get a chance to fully heal after they brought you back to life. If you’re too negative, the stress on your system will cause your body to reject your implants somewhat. Basically, if you’re really nasty, like you know, you are— Mom: Hey! Me: If you’re really nasty, you’ll get a lot of...
Kaidan won't like this. Wait, no, he won't care.
We head from the tech lab over to the armory to chat up Jacob and learn about the upgrade he wants to make. His idea is to give the Normandy better armor, to keep the Collector ship from tearing it to shreds again. Mom agrees to get it. JACK: SAFE??? She then decides to chat Jacob up and starts getting a little flirty with him. Jacob seems interested, but has reservations. Mom: I’m just...
Me: So, Mordin’s suggested upgrade is for a new tool for him, that will make him stronger in combat. Mom: What? That’s IT? I thought these were supposed to be upgrades for our ship. Me: Well, this time it’s just for Mordin. Do you want to get it? Mom: No way. If we make him stronger it will be harder for us to kill him if he turns against us. You know what, all things...
Me: Now that Mordin’s on our team, we can upgrade the Normandy. Every member of our squad has a different idea for an upgrade we can make. Mom: Do we have to listen to them? Me: No, but some of them are pretty good ideas. We should at least hear them out before deciding if we want to make the upgrade or not. Mom: Alright, that’s fine, we’re loaded so we may as well buy...
Fortunately, cooler heads prevail, and we manage to repair the ventilation system and disperse the cure without any urine getting involved whatsoever. Mordin’s disappointed that his assistant died but is happy that we killed the people responsible. He agrees to hold up his end of the bargain and come back to the Normandy with us. Back on the ship, Jacob introduces himself to Dr. Solus,...
We gun our way through the Blood Pack mercs and get into the room with the controls for the ventilation system. A vorcha is waiting there for us. Mom: Is that a Collector?! Me: No, that’s a different alien called a vorcha. Mom: Jesus, how do you keep all this shit straight? Vorcha Merc: YOU NO COME IN HERE! WE SHUT DOWN MACHINES, BREAK FANS! Mom: Oh my god shut up. We kill the...
As we continue to fight through the slums, we come across a pack of Blue Suns batarians threatening a human. They believe that he was attempting to dump vials of the plague virus into the ventillation, despite his insistence that it’s actually the cure. Mom: Decapitate him! Why can’t she go back to being obsessed with blue-jeans. The batarians turn to see Shepard, who signals to...
Renegade Still Ain't Renegade Enough
Me: So the aliens you’re trying to beat, The Collectors, are the ones responsible for this plague! Mom: Of course they are. Me: So now we’ve got to put the cure into the air so that Mordin will join our team. Mom: And why do we need him again? Me: He’s one of the best scientists in the galaxy. We need his help to develop weapons to fight the Collectors. Mom: Why...
Garrus starts to cough a little and complains that he’s feeling warm. It hits him that he’s catching the plague. Me: Sounds like Garrus is getting sick. Mom: Walk it off, Mary. Say, where’s Joker anyway, why can’t I bring him? Me: He’s got a condition, remember? His bones are really brittle, he could possibly break his leg if he put too much weight on his foot....
Exploring the Quarantine Zone
We continue to work our way through the plague-ridden streets of Omega, fighting the Blue Suns that have taken over the area as we go. Me: It looks like they’ve been sealing people inside their apartments to keep the plague from spreading and leaving them to starve to death. Mom: How are we going to move that couch out of the basement? Me: Focus, mom. We come across a batarian slumped...
We head in and take out Aria’s guards without a hassle. I pause to level up Jacob and Garrus. Mom: Jacob ain’t too bad lookin’. Me: Well he is a romance option, you could make HIM your boyfriend instead. Mom: Mm, nah. [Shepard]’s racist, remember? Me: You could also romance Garrus! Mom: Yikes. Me: You know, we haven’t heard anything about the Calvin Klein...
Moms Kind of Like Garr--Nevermind.
Me: So, Mordin’s a doctor working on Omega, and his clinic is in an area that’s been quarantined by a plague. Mom: Where’s that other lady doctor? Me: Dr. Chakwas? She’s your ship’s doctor, she’s on the Normandy. Mom: I don’t like her. Me: What? Mom: She’s a bitch. Me: …Alright. We head over to the entrance to the quarantine zone. A...
Before heading to pick up Mordin Solus, we do some shopping in the markets of Omega. The first shop we encounter is manned by a Quarian with prices that are far too high. Me: Alright, so we can either be nice or nasty with him to convince him to lower his prices. Mom: Prices on… what? Me: Like guns and stuff. Mom: Do we need guns? I thought we already had guns. Me: Well we could...
Kenneth, you're boring her with your... you.
Yikes it’s been like two days! Let’s get crackin’. We head down to engineering to meet Ken and Gabby, and mom tells them that she expects them to treat her with military respect. They apologize for their informal behavior. Mom asks them if they’re all set up down here, and Ken explains that they could use some FBA couplings. He goes on to explain what they are and Gabby...