Mom Effect

As we explore the base, we find a room filled with prison cells filled with salarians. We speak to one of them, named Menos Avot. He explains that they’re members of Kirrahe’s team that have been captured. He’s very deeply disturbed, and mentions that they’ve been doing horrible experiments to him. Mom decides that she doesn’t trust him, and refuses to let him out of his cell. He goes crazy and runs at us, smashing head-first into the cell door.

We investigate the other cells. The salarians inside are alternating between sobbing and screaming.

Mom: Geez, what are they all whining about?

Me: Well, it sounds like they’ve been tortured.

Mom: Haven’t we all? At least they never have to look at Ashley’s stupid face.

We continue to fight our way into Saren’s base. As we proceed, we hear Ashley on the radio, shouting that Kirrahe is dead.

Mom: Well, whatever. He said that he didn’t think he’d make it. What I want to know is why isn’t Ashley dead yet?

We make our way into the base. Kaidan hacks into their security systems.

Mom: My boyfriend is so smart.

He tells us that we can trigger alarms on the far side of the base, which will lighten our load but put more pressure on the distraction team.

Mom: Pff, please. Make it easier for us. I’m the only one that matters here.

Shepard: Ashley can handle it. Set off the alarms.

Mom: And if she can’t handle it, oh well!

Me: So, there are several things we can do in this area to help out the distraction team. Do you want to do them?

Mom: Pff, no. I don’t have time for that.

Me: Okay.

Mom: I’ve got my eye on only one target.

Me: Saren?

Mom: The base of Ashley’s spine.

We gladly put Ashley under Kirrahe’s command, and proceed to sneak into Saren’s facility.

We are almost immediately met with a waterfall.

Mom: Waterfall! What did I tell you. The secret’s ALWAYS behind the waterfall. That’s where Saren’s hiding, in a cave behind the waterfall.

I walk through it. There’s nothing there.

Me: This is a solid rock wall.

Mom: You just don’t know how to open it. There’s a switch somewhere that slides some of the rock away and reveals the entrance to his underground base.

Me: But… we just found his ABOVE-ground base.

Mom: That’s just a ruse.

Mom checked the blog, specifically, this post.

Mom: I am not going to die at the end of Mass Effect 2!

Me: Well then, I’d suggest you try to care about your squad a little more than you have in this game.

Mom: Fat chance. I’m a one-woman army.

Me: I’m just saying, there’s only so much Shepard can do on her own. She needs a good squad to fall back on.

Mom: Look, you’re the one working the gun controls. If we die, it’s your fault.

Kaidan asks us what the hell happened with Wrex, and Mom tells him that he wouldn’t listen to reason. We head back to Kirrahe, and the camera focuses on Shepard and Kaidan.

Mom: (Mockingly) Don’t they make a cute couple? Take a picture on your phone for the website.

Me: Okay.

Mom: Caption it “Don’t they make a cute couple?” Wait, no, caption it “Hot for Mama.”

Me: …

Ashley says something, which immediately catches my mom’s attention.

Mom: What the hell’s she doing here anyway? Did you bring her along?

Me: No, I—

Mom: You better not have brought her along.

Me: I didn’t! The ship landed nearby, everyone’s hanging out around here.

Mom: Can we kill Ashley like we did the other guy?

Me: Well—

Mom: One shot, right in the head.

Me: That’s not exactly what you can do, but—

Mom: Blammo.

Kirrahe mentions that his team is going to distract the Geth while we sneak in the back. He doubts any of them are going to make it out alive, and asks if he can use one of our squad.

Mom: Ooh! Ooh! Take Ashley. Get her killed for me.

Welp.

Kirrahe explains that Saren has found a cure for the krogan genophage, and is using it to mass-produce a krogan army. 

Me: The genophage is a disease that the monster guys have. It makes most of them sterile. Only about one in a thousand of their children survive infancy.

Mom: Okay.

Kirrahe says that Saren must be stopped, but Wrex interjects. He wants the cure to save his people. Him and Kirrahe argue, and then Wrex storms off.

Mom: That guy better stop getting uppity or I’m gonna blow his balls off.

Ashley asks what we want to do about Wrex. Mom tells her to shut up and let her deal with it. She heads over to speak with him.

Wrex is incensed. He warns us that he’s not so sure that he should side with us over Saren anymore. He wants us to tell him why he should help destroy what might be the last hope for his people.

Shepard: I gave you an order. That’s all the reason you need.

That is, unsurprisingly, not good enough. Wrex and Shepard both pull their guns.

Mom: Shoot him.

Mama Shepard smashes the butt of her rifle into Wrex’s face, and executes him.

Mom: I warned him that I’d blow his balls off.

Mom: So, are these spies human?

Me: No, they’re called salarians. You remember that guy on Noveria that you said had a funny voice?

Mom: …

Me: The… one that you liked but accidentally got killed, and we got the pass from?

Mom: …

Me: Well, okay, anyway, the spies aren’t human.

We arrive at the STG camp and are greeted by Captain Kirrahe. He wants to know where the rest of the reinforcements are, and we tell him that we’re all he’s got. He’s not happy to hear the news.

He explains that they’ve discovered Saren’s base of operations. Mom asks if he’s seen Saren around at all. He explains that he hasn’t, but that the facility is swarming with Geth.

Mom: Saren’s kind of like Osama bin Laden.

Me: I… what?

Mom: He’s the bad guy but no one knows where he is, but his men are all over the place. He’s probably hiding in a cave everywhere. If we find any caves we need to search them.

Me: Alright.

Me: Alright, so how much do you remember of what happened.

Mom: We killed those guys that were alive but supposed to be dead, but were really alive and bug people.

Me: …Close enough.

Mom: And we killed that bug lady and got the pass.

Me: Well, we got the pass before any of that.

Mom: Okay, right. And then we got in the tank and drove around.

Me: Alright. So, Saren, the main bad guy, is trying to revive evil machines called the Reapers. He’s using information from the Beacon at the start, along with information he got from the bug people’s queen. We’re still not quite sure what his plan is. But, a spy group has found some important information on him, so we’re going to this planet to see what they’ve got. Virmire’s sort of a tropical oceanic world.

Mom: Are there any waterfalls?

Me: Well, it looks more like we’re on the coast of an ocean, so probably not.

Mom: if there are any waterfalls you need to look behind them. The secret is always behind the waterfall.

Apparently getting linked by fuckyeahbioware.tumblr.com means that you suddenly get an explosion of new followers! We’re sitting at 560 right now, which means that my mom is now internet-honor-bound to complete all three games!

…Assuming that her “unique” playstyle doesn’t get her killed at the end of Mass Effect 2.

Mom: How far are we into this game, anyway?

Me: Well, we’ve done two of the five main planets, but two of them are pretty short. I’d say we’re a bit more than halfway.

Mom: Really? This is going really quick.

Me: Well, you know how people keep asking us for help and you keep blowing them off?

Mom: Yeah.

Me: It would be taking a lot longer if you weren’t doing that.

As we prepare to head for Virmire, we get a message from Admiral Hackett of the Alliance 5th Fleet. It seems that the VI that controls the combat training scenarios at the military base on the moon has gone rogue, and he’d like your help to shut it down. Mom tells him that we’ll get to it when we can.

Hackett: I know that you’re a Spectre now, but you’re still Alliance Navy, too. We could use you for this one, Commander.

Me: So, are we actually gonna go help him, or did you just tell him that we would.

Mom: I just told him that we would.

Me: I figured as much.

We attempt to use the Galaxy Map, when Joker informs us that the Council is contacting us in the comm room. We head down to see what they want.

The Council tells us that they had assigned one of their spy squads to search for Saren. Mom is angry that she wasn’t told about this, and frustrated that they’re searching for Saren even though they blew her off initially. Her and the turian Councillor get into an argument until the asari Councillor breaks it up. They explain that the spy group sent a transmission on the channel reserved for emergencies. The actual content of the message was too scrambled to interpret, but it’s likely they’ve found something important.

Me: Okay, so we can either head to Virmire and check out what these spies discovered, or we can go pick up Betty’s daughter.

Mom: Screw Betty and screw her daughter. Let’s check out this spy thing.

Back on the Normandy, the crew gathers to discuss its options. Ashley suggests heading for the Mu Relay, but mom tells her that it’s pointless. Not because she thinks it’s a bad idea or because she even understands what Ashley’s talking about. Just because she doesn’t like her.

Garrus suggests heading to Therum to pick up Betty’s daughter, as with her Prothean expertise she might be able to figure out where to go with the Mu Relay. Ashley doesn’t like this idea since Betty was working with Saren, but Tali points out that it was only because Betty was indoctrinated. The two of them continue to argue until mom tells them to shut up and ends the meeting. Joker asks if we’d like to report to the Council, and mom says that she doesn’t want to talk to those guys.

We head down to the second deck to talk with Kaidan.

Mom: [Shepard] needs to wash her face better, she’s shining with grease.

Me: It’s just a really brightly-lit area.

Mom: It makes it look like she’s sweating, and she never sweats.

Kaidan continues to tell us about his backstory, and mom continues to pretend to be interested. He eventually ends the conversation and gets back to work.

Mom: That didn’t go as well as I’d hoped. He should be offering to buy me a drink by now.

Me: Well, considering that none of the bars seem to serve alcohol, how could he?

Mom: Good point.

Me: So, I guess all that’s left to do is wipe out the remaining Rachni.

Mom: Nah, let’s leave ‘em. With those two out of the way, I’m going to become their new Queen.

Me: I… don’t think it works that way. And even if it did, the Queen just said that these Rachni are messed up in the head and can’t be commanded.

Mom: Well, whatever. I still think it’ll be more interesting to leave them around.

Me: Alright then. Well, in that case… I guess we’re done with this planet.

Mom: Let’s get out of here!

We hop on the tram and head back to the Normandy, leaving the people at Rift Station to slowly get slaughtered by the Rachni.

With Betty out of the picture, Robyn Shepard moves forward to investigate the large insect in the tank in the center of the room. As she does, one of the dead asari commandos climbs to its feet, and starts to stagger toward her.

Mom: I hope my boyfriend’s going to do something about that.

He doesn’t. The asari begins to speak in a quivering voice, explaining that it is speaking on behalf of the Rachni Queen. It explains that because its children were taken away from it too early, they do not have the ability to “sing,” and are essentially mindless monsters. It asks Shepard to kill them, as it’s the only merciful thing to do at this point.

Mom: “I’ll kill them cheerfully.”

Rachni Queen: That does not bode well for our next composition.

The Queen explains that its fate is now in our hands. It wants to know if we will set it free, or if we’ll subject the Rachni to a second extinction. My mom, as we’ve all guessed, chooses to kill the Queen.

Garrus: This isn’t right, we shouldn’t make this decision now, we should talk to the Council and—eh.

Garrus sighs with exasperation. Even Shepard’s squadmates are starting to figure out that their Commander doesn’t really care about what’s going on. The queen pleads with us to reconsider, and we’re given one last chance to save her.

Mom: Do you even have to ask me what I want to do?

The Queen freaks out and attempts to use its asari thrall to free itself, but Shepard effortlessly shoves it out of the way and activates the acid bath. The last Rachni Queen screams in agony as it dissolves.

With the Matriarch’s troops defeated, we begin to close in on her. She freaks out, and suddenly tells us that she’s managed to fight off Saren’s indoctrination briefly. Mom, as always, doesn’t care.

Betty goes on to explain that she’s been under the influence of Saren’s ship, Sovereign. She describes the trauma of being trapped in her own mind as her body acted regardless of her own will.

Mom: Oh wah wah wah. What a whiner!

Betty tells us that Saren was looking for the location of the long-lost Mu Relay, and that she was sent here to extract it from the Rachni Queen’s mind. Mom doesn’t have any idea what the Mu Relay is, but she knows that she wants its location. She demands it and Betty is happy to give it to her.

Unfortunately, she loses her ability to fight off the indoctrination, and attacks us. We have no choice but to finish her off.

Mom: It looked like my boyfriend got a few good hits in on her.

Me: Yeah, he did.

Mom: See? He’s falling for me.

As Betty lay on the ground dying, she tells us that we have to stop Saren at any cost.

Shepard: First you betray the Council, now Saren. You’re not loyal to anything, are you?

Benezia: Yes… I suppose that is how history will remember me.

Betty’s eyes roll into her head. She slumps over, and dies.

Mom: Bitch.

Asari commandos and Geth troopers flood the room.

Mom: See, now she has a sexy outfit. Why can’t I wear that instead?

Me: You’re wearing military-grade armor.

Mom: It’s ugly. I need something like what Bet’s wearin’ if I’m gonna snag a man.

Me: What about her stupid headdress thing?

Mom: Eh, that’s understandable, she’s a bug-lady.

Me: I… I don’t think she’s actually related to the bugs. She’s just used science to revive them.

Mom: I see, she was involved with all that petri-dish stuff back in college with [Udina].

We open the doors and step into the hot labs. Matriarch Betty starts soliloquizing.

Benezia: You do not know the privilege of being a mother. There is power in creation. To shape a life and turn it toward happiness or despair. Her children were raised to be ours, to hunt and slay Saren’s enemies.

Mom: Wait, children?

Me: She’s talking about the bug monsters. They’re that bug-queen’s children.

Mom: So she’s imprisoned it to get an endless source of children, to sell into sex-slavery.

Me: They’re… bug-monsters.

Mom: So?! There’s all kinds of perverts out there. You’re telling me there aren’t people who’d pay top dollar to molest giant baby cockroaches? This game has all kinds of weird alien shit, how are “bug-monsters” any grosser?

Me: …You know what? Fair enough.

We approach a locked door near the back of the room. There’s an inactive drone on either side of it.

Me: It looks like we can pick the lock on this door, but we’re probably going to set off this security system.

Mom: Eh, let’s take our chances.

We hack the door and all hell breaks loose. We hurry into the next room and start shooting the guards within.

Mom: You know I don’t like the shooting portions.

Me: This was your idea!

After killing a few rooms worth of guards, we reach the entrance to the hot labs.

Me: Alright, Betty is on the other side of this door.

Mom: We’re at her already?!

Me: There’s a lot of ways to get through this section. Brute-forcing it like we did is probably the fastest.

Mom: See? I have good ideas sometimes.

Me: It’s also the most violent and bloody method.

Mom: Whatever.

We proceed into Rift Station, where the surviving Binary Helix workers are congregated. We approach the large elcor in the middle of the room.

Mom: Ooh, Pig-Face. I’ll bet this guy is Ashley’s ex-boyfriend.

He offers to sell us some items.

Mom: “What’s this ‘sell’ shit?”

Mama Shepard demands that the elcor give its items to her for free. It rather snottily suggests that it gives free weapons to Captain Ventralis, but not us. Mom doesn’t like his attitude, and refuses to let me look at what he has for sale.

We move on to an asari standing in the corner. She acts irritated when we talk to her, so mom decides to leave her alone.

Mom: All these people are really nasty.

Me: Well, they’ve had a traumatic experience.

Mom: I don’t care.

We head down a staircase and find a medical center. The doctor mentions that the  patients down here are very sick.

Mom: Who gives a shit? I’m a one-woman army, I don’t need anyone’s help.

Me: Yeah, but they need YOUR help.

Mom: Well that’s too bad for them.

I took some damage fighting Rachni on Peak 15, so I activate the Mira terminal to heal up.

Mom: What the hell is that thing?

Me: It’ll heal the wounds we’ve taken from all the fighting.

Mom: Pff, we don’t have any injuries that a shot of whiskey can’t handle.

Me: Fine, we won’t heal. But I’m stealing all their medical supplies.

Mom: I’ll allow it.

After a short tram ride, we head into Rift Station, and meet the head of security there. Him and his team have been desperately trying to fend off the aliens, but they’re being worn down quick. Mom doesn’t care. All she wants to know is where Betty is.

Ventralis: Benezia? Yeah, she came through here. The aliens overran the hot labs last week. Han Olar’s the only one who got out, and he ain’t all there anymore.

Mom: He drinks too much.

It is entirely unclear whether she’s referring to Ventralis or to Han Olar.

We’re about to leave, when two Rachni suddenly burst out of the vents and attack us! We rip them apart. Ventralis mentions that it doesn’t make much sense for the Rachni to keep attacking like this and that you would think they’d eventually learn better. Mom isn’t listening.

“Let’s go get rid of Bet.”

Me: Before we move on, I should probably give you some important backstory information. Hundreds of years ago, the galaxy was attacked by these bug aliens, called Rachni.

Mom: Okay.

Me: They were really tearing everyone up. You know those dinosaur monster guys, like the one we’ve got on our team?

Mom: Yeah.

Me: The other races in the galaxy went to those guys and said, “we’ll give you a lot of guns and power if you’ll wipe out the bugs.” They agreed, and drove the Rachni to extinction. BUT, once that was done, they kept going, and started trying to take over the galaxy.

Mom: …Alright.

Me: So in retaliation, the other races made a bioweapon, which made most of the dinosaur people sterile. Only about 1 out of every 1000 of their pregnancies are viable now.

Mom: Do you seriously want me to work this hard at this?

Me: …Alright, fine, the only important thing you need to know is that the bug monsters are supposed to be extinct but for some reason a lot of them are lurking around in this lab.

I continue playing through Peak 15 alone, deciding to have mom start playing with me once I take the tram-ride to where all the survivors are hiding out. Mom happens to look up at the TV just as I’m activating Mira.

Mom: Whoa whoa whoa, are you making choices without me?

Me: Well, a few, but they’re very minor and—

Mom: That’s not how this works! I make all the decisions! Make sure you write a post about how I caught you cheating.

Me: Alright, fine. What do you want to say to this computer that we just turned on?

Mom: “Ew, a pop-up.”

After solving a Towers of Hanoi puzzle to activate this VI, Shepard immediately looks for a way to deactivate it. She fails.

The VI explains that the tram leading to the rest of the station is currently shut down, and that several repairs will need to be made to bring it online.

Me: Would you like to ask her about how to fix the station?

Mom: Hell no! Log out.

I stare at her for a moment before saying goodbye to Mira, and get back to work repairing the station by myself.

Me: There’s a pretty long combat section here, so I’m just gonna go through this part alone. I’ll let you know when there’s more dialogue sections and you need to pay attention again.

Mom: Because I’ve been paying such close attention up ‘til now.

We head back to Anoleis’ office. He’s frustrated that we’re bothering him again.

Me: It looks like we can tell him about Qui’in OR about Parasini.

Mom: Let’s report the chick, she never gave us the drink she promised.

Anoleis thanks us for the information and asks us to leave, as he has to take care of this problem. Shepard hangs out in the lobby and watches through the glass door as Anoleis and Parasini get into a shouting match, and ultimately, shoot each other. We head back in after the dust settles.

Me: Well. We made them kill each other.

Mom: Whoops!

Me: Looks like we can take Anoleis’ pass now though.

Mom: Forget that, let’s take his wallet.

We’re interrupted by Captain Matsuo, who wants to know what the hell happened. Mom says she doesn’t know, the two were yelling at each other when we got here. Matsuo demands to know why we didn’t intervene. Shepard tells her that it wasn’t her job, and that Matsuo shouldn’t question her methods as a Spectre. Matsuo apologizes and leaves to go file the paperwork for the double-murder.

Mom: Hail to the queen, baby.

Me: Okay, so we have the evidence against Anoleis now. So we’ve got two options. We could give it to the turian like we promised and get Anoleis in trouble, or we could go to Anoleis and give him the evidence to get in good with him.

Mom: I don’t want to get that guy in trouble. I said before, us low-lifes gotta stick together.

Me: Alright then, we’ll report Qui’in to Anoleis.

Before we have the chance, we receive a message from Ms. Parassini. She wants to meet us for a drink in the bar and discuss something.

Me: Do you want to see what she wants, or just go straight to Anoleis?

Mom: She’s offering to buy us a drink, so I’m all about it.

We head back up to the bar. The asari businesswoman calls out for us to help her again, but again we blow her off. We head over to Parasini’s table.

Parasini: Allow me to reintroduce myself. Gianna Parasini, Noveria Internal Affairs.

Mom: I don’t care, where’s my drink.

Parasini explains that she’s working undercover to catch Anoleis, and that we should convince Qui’in to testify on her behalf.

Mom: Will she pay?

Parasini: I’m a cop, not an executive. I can’t move big sums of money.

Mom: Then I guess you’re up shit-creek.

Me: Oh, that’s something we didn’t catch before. Qui’in is willing to pay us if we help him instead of Anoleis.

Mom: How much?

Me: It doesn’t say.

Mom: Eh, don’t bother. We made more money gambling than we made off of the last guy who promised to pay us for our help.

Me: True enough.

We head over to Lorik Qui’in’s office and are immediately stopped by guards. Mom tells them that if they play this smart they don’t have to die, but they don’t listen. We tear the office up and get onto Lorik’s computer. Once we’ve secured the evidence, I hack into his safe to steal some money.

Mom: what the hell did you just do?

Me: I broke into his safe and stole his money.

Mom: I’m all about that! You need to do it more often.

As we head out of the office, we’re confronted by Kaira Stirling, one of the guards that gave us trouble when we first arrived. She’s not happy about what we’ve done here.

Stirling: Anoleis would have you thrown off-world for what you’ve done here. Not me. You know what we do to cop-killers on my world?

Mom: Don’t care, this is my world baby. I’m Mama Shepard the Spectre Queen.

We make quick work of Stirling and her thugs and take our leave.

On our way out of Anoleis’ office, Parassini suggests that we should go talk to a guy named Lorik Qui’in in the hotel bar if we want access to the garage.

Mom: Why didn’t she tell us that in the first place?!

Me: At least we get to go to a bar.

Mom: Look, fool me once.

We head up to the bar. An asari woman stops us and asks us for our time. She’d like us to go talk to another patron on her behalf. She says she’ll make it worth our while.

Mom: Is she going to pay us?

Me: Well, she’s implying that she will.

Mom: Not good enough, go away bitch.

A turian calls us over to have a drink with him.

Mom: Hell yes.

We strike up a conversation with him, asking about any asari Matriarchs that might’ve been through here. He confirms that Benezia “Betty” T’Soni came through here a few days ago, and was heading up to Peak 15 to investigate some kind of problem. We mention that we need a pass to go follow her, and Qui’in proposes a deal.

He explains that he has evidence that Anoleis is corrupt and is stealing money from the company. If we can get into his office and secure the evidence for him, Qui’in will pay us and give us a garage pass.

Mom: We need that pass, right? So I guess we have to do this.

Qui’in: There is one little… what is that charming human expression? “Fly in the lotion?”

Mom: It’s fly in the ointment, dumbass.

Qui’in tells us that Anoleis has sent in guards to toss his office and find the evidence. We’re going to have to deal with them first. Mom tells him that she’ll try and keep the violence to a minimum, but no promises.

Qui’in: Do try to keep from getting bloodstains on the carpet.

Clearly he has not been reading this blog.

We’re in the homestretch! Just 100 more followers to get my mom to commit to doing the whole trilogy!

She’s probably going to go back on that, what with how RENEGADE she is.

Our business with Opold done, we move on to meet Anoleis. Parassini tells him that we want to see him, and, irritated, he tells her to let us in.

Mom: Nice voice. Is he a member of Alvin and the Chipmunks?

Anoleis is rude with us, insulting us and our homeworld. Mom’s a bit offended, but asks him for the garage pass. He tells her no, and that his clients’ privacy is far more important to him than cooperating with us.

Mom: Alright then, goodbye.

Me: I know you don’t like investigating stuff, but this IS the guy we’re supposed to get permission from. Maybe we should keep talking to him.

Mom: Okay, FINE, go ahead and just PLAY FOR ME.

Me: I’m not trying to tell you what to do! I’m just offering advice.

Mom. Whatever. Ask him about Saren.

Anoleis explains that Saren is a major investor in Binary Helix, and that they have a facility up on Peak 15.

Mom: Boy, for a guy concerned with privacy, he sure is quick to spill the beans on his clients.

We say goodbye to him and head out of his office.

Me: That guy’s kind of an asshole.

Mom: Yeah, but I’ve got to respect that, as a fellow asshole.

Entering the main plaza of Port Hanshan, we find a shady hanar hanging out in a back corner. It knows that we’re the newly-arrived Spectre, and has a proposition for us.

Me: It sounds like he’s willing to pay us if we help him.

Mom: I’m all about that!

The hanar, named Opold, wants us to use our Spectre status to smuggle some illegal goods through the security checkpoint. Mom emphatically agrees. As we head back out to the docks to pick up the package, I decide to offer a suggestion.

Me: Alright, so, we could go ahead and smuggle this thing like he wants us to, and get the money. But, this place is really strict about regulations and stuff, and we need to get in good with the guy in charge in order to get to where we need to go. So, what if we report this guy for breaking the rules?

Mom: Nah, why would I do that? The guy wants to pay me.

Me: Alright, just letting you know.

Mom: I like this guy, he’s a scumbag like me. And I’ve finally learned who I really am.

Me: What’s that?

Mom: A person with authority.

We return the package to Opold, and pressure him into giving us 500 credits instead of just 250.

Mom: That’s still shitty payment.

Me: He’s paying us for walking like 100 feet.

Mom: Don’t care. I want the package back. We’re reporting him.

Me: We can’t take it back. It’s too late.

Mom: Dammit.

We head through the security checkpoint and speak with Gianna Parassini, one of the people in charge here. Mom chews her out for not having better control of her security. She apologizes for the inconvenience, and tells us that an asari matriarch was through here a few days ago, and headed up to Peak 15.

Mom demands her cooperation, but Parassini explains that it’s not that easy. If we want clearance to leave Port Hanshan, we’re going to have to get it from Administrator Anoleis. Mom rolls her eyes and we walk away.

We depart the Normandy, again with Kaidan and Garrus. On our way out of the landing area, we’re stopped by a group of guards. They inform us that our guns are going to be confiscated. My mom asks who they are. They explain that they’re “the law” here, and my mom laughs. “I’m above the law!”

Everyone draws their guns. Just before things are about to get bloody, a voice comes over the intercoms. It tells the guards that, as a Spectre, we’re approved to keep our firearms.

Mom: See? I always get my way.

Since mom doesn’t want to see the asari Consort, I decide that we’ve messed around on the Citadel enough. We head down to C-Sec and take the elevator back to the Normandy.

Mom: I love these elevators. They’re the only chance I get to sit on my ass and take a break from all this running.

We head off into space.

Me: We’re headed to a planet called Noveria. It’s a frozen world. Corporations like to base themselves there, because it’s so inhospitable that no one wants to go there to investigate it.

Mom: Okay. And Saren might be here.

Me: No. But Matriarch Be—Betty is supposedly here, and she could probably give us some clues about where he is and what he’s after.

Mom: Let’s kill this bitch.

I continue to wander around the Citadel, and we come across a man named Samesh Bhatia. He says that his wife was a member of the 212, and fought and died on Eden Prime. The military is refusing to release her body to him. Kaidan mentions that Ashley was in the 212, and she might be interested in talking to him.

Mom: Look at him! Sticking up for that bitch. This is exactly why we can’t ever bring the girls with us.

She tells Samesh to go away.

Me: You remember how, when we started, you decided that you grew up as an orphan on Earth?

Mom: Uh… oh! Yeah, I do.

Me: Well, this guy is saying that he’s a member of the gang you used to run with.

Mom: Oh [Shepard] remembers him. Hanging out in the basement of the jeans factory, gettin’ high.

Finch wants Shepard to use her Spectre status to get a fellow gang member out of jail. Mom has no problem with that at all, and Finch is glad to hear it. We head over to Chora’s Den to talk to the turian guard.

We approach the guard. I explain to mom that taking the paragon option will allow us to report Finch to the guard.

Mom: Why would I want to do that?

Me: Maybe you don’t. I just wanted to make you aware of the option.

Mom: I’m not ratting him out. He’s a low-life, like me, and us low-lifes gotta stick together.

We tell him that he needs to release our buddy, and he balks. Mom gets nasty with him, picking her first Intimidate option of the game so far. He asks what we even want him released for, and mom tells him that she’s a Spectre, which means it’s none of his business. He begrudgingly agrees to release the prisoner.

On the way out, we see Jenna the bartender again. “Sorry, I’ll be with you in a minute!”

Mom: Go to hell, bitch.

Me: The Citadel has another bar. We might be able to get a drink there.

Mom: We damn well better.

We head up to Flux. Mom scoffs when we go in and I move toward the dancefloor.

Mom: They’re not gonna let us sit here. It’s a dance club. What the hell are you doing, get off the dancefloor! We’re here to drink.

We head over to the bar and talk to the volus bartender. He asks what he can do for us.

Me: …We don’t have the option to order a drink.

Mom: What.

Me: Our only options are to ask about the bartender or about the bar.

Mom: Ugh.

We talk to him a bit and he mentions that there are some “quasar” machines upstairs.

Me: Well, at least the have gambling.

Mom: Yeah, I guess.

We talk to the waitress nearby. She seems to have something on her mind, but mom blows her off.

Mom: She wasn’t gonna give us a drink so who cares?

We go up to the quasar machines and play a few rounds. Mom wins a few games, then decides that quasar is boring.

Mom: Don’t they have any slot machines?

Me: I think this is the only game they’ve got.

Mom: Then let’s blow.

We descend take the elevator down to C-Sec, when we’re stopped by a reporter for Westerlund News. She wants to interview us. Mom tells her to go away. The reporter explains that there are a lot of nasty rumors flying around about her, and this interview could give her the chance to tell her side of the story. Mom says “get stuffed.” The reporter begrudgingly leaves us alone.

Mom: Everyone we run into is really rude.

Me: Well, you’re kind of mean to them.

Mom: I’m not mean! I’m just difficult to captivate. 

As we exit the Normandy with Kaidan and Garrus, we’re stopped by an Alliance Navy official. Kaidan salutes him. Mom asks what the hell he wants. He explains that the Normandy was slated to come under his command after the Eden Prime mission, and he’s unhappy that it’s been given over to the Council.

Mom: He’s into me.

Me: He… doesn’t sound like he likes you.

Mom: He’s just trying to keep up appearances.

Mikhailovich wants to inspect our ship and see if it’s up to snuff. Mom explains that currently, it’s property of the Council, which means that the rear admiral doesn’t have any authority over it. He doesn’t like that at all, and tells Robyn that she’d better change her attitude. Mom tells him to fuck off.

Me: You were talking about prostitutes a lot  yesterday, there’s a brothel on the Citadel if you want to check it out.

Mom: Can we take [Ashley and Tali] there and dump them off?

Me: No.

Mom: Then I don’t care.

Me: Alright, so we’re bringing Kaidan with us. Do you want to bring Wrex or Garrus for our other team-mate?

Mom: Who?

Me: The big guy and the… less big guy. I know you don’t want to bring either of the girls.

Mom: Is there a way we can go get them killed?

Me: No.

Mom: Like run over by a steamroller or something?

Me: Yeah, sorry. No can do.

Mom: Then let’s just bring the smaller alien guy.

Me: Okay.

Me: Alright, so we’re going to Noveria. First though, now that we have some money I wanna head back to the Citadel and buy some stuff.

Mom: Hopefully we can buy me a new outfit.

Me: We could swap armor with Ashley if you’d prefer the pink and white.

Mom: I’m not taking a hand-me-down from that sewer whore.

Me: What did I tell you about using “sewer whore.”

Mom: Well, I was going to call her a cum-stain but I wasn’t sure if you’re allowed to use that word on Tumblr.

Me: So, anyway. We can go to Therum and recruit Betty’s daughter, Liara, and-

Mom: So, are these people human?

Me: No, they’re more of those blue people. They’re called asari.

Mom: See, I’m not good with this. There’s too much shit in this game.

Me: It’s a whole galaxy of different planets and lifeforms!

Mom: Yeah, but I’m a racist. I only like humans.

Me: Well, then you’re going to like Mass Effect 2, because you work for a terrorist organization that hates aliens.

Mom: Good! Sounds like my kind of place.

Me: Anyway. Betty’s daughter is an expert on the Protheans, so she might be able to help you make more sense of your vision

Mom: Another girl? Blech, no way.

At this point in the cutscene, Kaidan also brings up Liara as a possible lead.

Me: See? Your boyfriend thinks getting Liara is a good idea. 

Mom: Which is exactly why we can’t go there.

Me: Well, unfortunately, we’re going to have to eventually.

Mom glares at me.

Me: We can save her for the very end though, if you want to.

She continues to glare.

Me: Alright then, I guess we’re going to Noveria. We’ll save Liara for last.

Mom: Can’t we just leave her there forever?

Me: Sorry, but no.

Once the crew is done debriefing, we go to speak with Kaidan. He talks about his misgivings about our mission, and eventually starts delving into his personal history. Mom pays no attention to anything he’s saying but pretends like she’s very interested. I start to wonder if that’s what it was like when my parents went out on dates together.

Kaidan: We’re getting off-track here. This was supposed to be a casual debrief, not a bullsession about my past.

Mom: Tell him “I agree.”

Mama Shepard: I gave up on waiting for you to get to the good part halfway through.

Kaidan: Yeah, sorry about that.

Me: I don’t think that was the right thing to say if you’re trying to romance him.

Mom: It seemed like it was!

Mom says one last snotty “goodbye” to Shiala Plum-Face and I start taking us back to the Normandy.

Mom: There you go, running again. They should call this game Mass Effect: Exercise Program.

Me: But… you’re not actually running.

Mom: I feel like I am, watching her do it all the time!

As the crew debriefs, I explain what our options are to mom.

Me: Alright, so now that we’ve done Feros and gotten the Cipher, we have two more leads on finding Saren. People have supposedly been seeing… Betty on Noveria, the ice planet. Alternatively, if we go to the lava planet, we can meet Betty’s daughter, who—

Mom: Wait that’s not that Lizbeth girl, is it?

Me: No, she was only involved in Feros. We’re done with her.

Mom: Good riddance. I don’t wanna have to see her again.

Me: Unless you need her for your porno.

Mom: Eh. Sewer whore.

Me: You know what, I’m putting a moratorium on “sewer whore.” You’ve played it out.

Mom: I can’t even call Lizbeth a sewer whore?

Me: No.

Me: Alright, so, recap time. I’m pretty sure you weren’t paying any attention to the last scene on Feros last night, with Shiala.

Mom: …

Me: That girl that you said looks like she eats too many plums.

Mom: Oh yeah! Plum Girl.

Me: Yeah. So, just to see if we can get you following the plot. Saren is the bad guy. You understand that much.

Mom: Yes.

Me: And he has robots, called the Geth, working for him. You know that.

Mom. …Sure.

Me: And he’s working with a woman named Benezia.

Mom: See, that’s why I’m having such a hard time keeping this shit straight, the goofy names. Why can’t we just call her Betty?

Me: Alright, fine, we’ll call her Betty. Saren and Betty and the Geth are trying to bring back a very powerful race of evil machines, called Reapers. A long time ago, they killed everyone.

Mom: Okay.

Me: You remember the beacon at the start, right?

Mom: Yeah.

Me: It gave you visions that explain how to stop the Reapers. But they’re unclear. Saren had the same visions, and talked with the Thorian to get them clarified. You remember when Plum Girl—

Mom: See? Even you’re calling her that. It’s a better name.

Me: I’m just trying to speak your language here. You remember when Plum Girl did the “psychic  shit” that you didn’t like?

Mom: Yeah.

Me: She was using her powers to help clarify the visions the Beacon gave you.

Mom: In other words, shrooms.

Me: But you killed the plant monster.

Mom: Doesn’t matter. She still had some.

Mom: How many followers do we have today?

Me: 305.

Mom: Holy shit. What are these people gonna do when I can’t play?

Me: Oh, it’s no problem, we’ll just tell them “no updates today.”

Mom: Nah, we gotta give ‘em something. Why don’t we start a game for your dad? Mom Effect Presents Dad Effect.

I love you mom! So here’s a picture of a cake someone made, based on a reference that you don’t understand.

Mom: Seriously, why doesn’t anyone make a cowboys and indians game? That’s way better than space.

Me: Well, there’s a pretty big one that came out a few years ago, Red Dead Redemption.

Mom: Yeah, but I mean like this. With the talking choices and stuff.

After getting the Cipher, mom tells Shiala that she should be going. I resist the urge to tell her that she can execute her if she wants to.

Shiala: I feel great shame over the destruction I have helped cause. With your permission, I would like to stay here and help the colonists rebuild.

Mom: We killed all the colonists but sure, knock yourself out hon. You look like you’ve eaten too many plums.

Kaidan suggests that after the head-trip of getting the Cipher, Shepard should probably return to the ship.

Mom: (In a mocking romantic voice) Aww, sweetheart baby. You DO care.

We head back up to the Zhu’s Hope colony, where we’re greeted by Julianna and Lizbeth. “You saved some, which is more than what some would’ve done.”

Mom: No we didn’t! We killed everybody!