The Normandy shoots into space. The crew that happened to be on board during the extraction have no choice but to come with us. Vega in particular is furious about abandoning earth.

Me: This is one of our new teammates in this game.

Mom: Bleh.

Me: What’s that for?

Mom: He’s a big doofus.

Mom isn’t immediately throwing herself at the male human squadmate this time. 

I don’t understand.

After an intense shootout with a horde of Cannibals, we manage to clear an area for the Normandy to land and pick us up.

Anderson, however, chooses to stay behind. He’s going to direct forces on Earth, while you head to the Citadel to plead your case to the Council, and hopefully gain reinforcements to stop the Reapers before it’s too late. Shepard’s reluctant to leave Anderson behind (though Mom’s not), but Anderson tells her that it’s an order.

Shepard: I don’t take orders from you anymore, remember?

Mom: Yeah, you tell him!

Anderson reinstates our status as Commander, and the Normandy heads for space.

As we’re taking off, Shepard catches something out the window. That kid I am running to an evac zone, and climb into a Kodiak. As soon as the vessel takes off, however, it’s shot down by a Reaper’s laser. I’m dead.

Mom: That’s a shame.

Mom: Where’s Jacob?

Me: He didn’t come with you when you got sent to jail. He’s not a member of the military so he’s probably out in space somewhere.

Mom: We’ll find him.

As we continue through the warzone, Shepard stumbles upon the kid from before—ugh, me—hiding in the vents of a ruined building. We try to coax me out but I’m too scared, convinced that the war’s already been won. The music swells dramatically as I back away from Shepard’s outreached hand.

Mom: Oh please, don’t try to make me care about this kid!

Before we even know what’s hit us, The Reapers land in Vancouver. A laser fires at Alliance HQ. An explosion rocks the building, killing everyone in the room but us and Anderson. The admiral tells us we need to head to the Normandy, and fast.

We race along the rooftops of Vancouver, fighting off husks as we go. Anderson barks orders and instructions as we go.

Mom: Who the hell is he to tell us what to do?

Me: He’s your CO!

Mom: Shoot him.

Me: What?

Mom: Kill him!

Me: I can’t. Bullets will go through him if I try.

Mom: You’re terrible at this game.

We’re ushered into a large chamber, filled with Earth’s military leaders. We tell them what they already know. The Reapers are here. We warn them that there is no victory against this enemy; the only goal is survival.

The conversation is interrupted with feeds from around the world. Against all possibility, the Reapers have already smashed through Earth’s defenses, and are obliterating all of its major cities.

Me: Look, London is being destroyed!

Mom: Eh, I’ve been to London. It’s nothin’ special.

An Alliance soldier enters our cell. Shepard identifies him as James Vega. He tells us that Admiral Anderson wants to speak with us.

Anderson: You look good Shepard.

Mom: Damn straight I do.

Thankfully (for Anderson) she talks over the crack about Shepard gaining some weight.

Anderson explains the situation. A massive force has been picked up by Earth’s detection system, moving at an incredible speed toward the human homeworld. No one’s come out and said it yet, but there’s only one possible explanation: The Reapers are here, and they’re gunning for Earth.

Mom: What, they lock me up and then they think I’m gonna help them out of their problem? Fat chance buddy. Let’s go hit the bar.

As we head to the central command room, we walk past Kaidan.

Me: It’s Kaidan!

Mom: Stay put Hotpants, I’ll be back in a minute.

Me: Are you still planning to kill him?

Mom: Of course!

After a text crawl that mom doesn’t read and an ominous opening that she doesn’t care about, we cut to Shepard observing a child playing with a toy space ship from the confines of her cell.

Mom: Is that you?

Me: No.

Mom: I think it is.

Me: It’s not me.

Mom: If it’s not you then I’m not playing.

Me: Ugh… fine, it’s me.

Me: Now that we’re starting the third game, we’re going to have an opportunity to change what you look like.

Mom: Thank God. Can we get new clothes too?

Me: Not right away, but yeah.

Mom: Finally. Alright step one get rid of that awful hairdo.

Me: Alright, let me cycle through the options to see if you like any of these.

Mom: Ugh, why are these all so short? Why can’t I have long hair?

Me: We’ve been over this. You’re a soldier that sees a lot of combat. Long hair is tactically disadvantageous.

Mom: I thought you said I was in jail!

Me: Well, yeah, but—

Mom: Why am I in jail anyway?

Me: Oh gee, I don’t know, maybe it’s because of all those people you killed?

Mom: Hey.

Me: Do you know how long it took me to type that post tallying all the people that died because of you?

Mom: Wah wah wah. Alright, I guess gimme that short, curly-looking hair.

Me: Alright.

Mom: She got her head shaved when she was put in the clink and that’s all the more it’s grown back.

Me: Sure, why not. Alright, anything else you want to change?

Mom: Hell yeah, make me less ugly.

Me: Okay… anything in specific?

Dad: Everything. 

Mom: [Dad], you make tell him how to make her look.

Dad: Okay… make her eyebrows lower.

Me: Alright.

Dad: Lower than that.

Me: They don’t go any lower. Do you want me to make the eyes higher?

Dad: Sure, and move them closer together.

Mom: She looks cross-eyed now!

Dad: Uh… what does the cheekbone thing do?

I move the slider back and forth.

Dad: I don’t see anything happening.

Me: It’s subtle but her cheekbones are becoming more or less pronounced.

Dad: If you say so. Jeez, I’m just making this worse. She needs a cute button nose. Is there an upturned nose?

Me: Yeah, here we go.

Dad: Oh god, now she just looks like a pig. What about her chin? It needs to be narrower. That’s the narrowest it can go? Okay, um… yeesh.

Me: Y’know, the idea is to make her look kind of like mom.

Dad: Yikes. Yeah, I failed. I’ll let you two figure it out.

I reset it back to our imported face. I change the hairstyle and eye color and move on.

Me: Before we get started, I should probably get you up to speed on a few basic plot details, since we’re starting a new game today.

Mom: But I don’t care!

Me: I know but it’s funnier when you have at least a vague idea about what’s going on.

Mom: Fine.

Me: So, the enemy that we’ve been fighting in both of these games are called the Reapers. They’re these huge evil alien robots. Saren and the Collectors, the bad guys from the last game, were both working for them. You’ve been doing everything you can to stop them, but it’s been hard because no one believes they really exist. Now they’re finally here, and the galaxy is erupting into war against them.

Mom: Okay.

Me: You also got thrown in jail for the things you did in the last game and have been there for the last six months.

Mom: What.

Me: Alright, let’s get started!

Mom: What?!