Me: Now that we’re starting the third game, we’re going to have an opportunity to change what you look like.
Mom: Thank God. Can we get new clothes too?
Me: Not right away, but yeah.
Mom: Finally. Alright step one get rid of that awful hairdo.
Me: Alright, let me cycle through the options to see if you like any of these.
Mom: Ugh, why are these all so short? Why can’t I have long hair?
Me: We’ve been over this. You’re a soldier that sees a lot of combat. Long hair is tactically disadvantageous.
Mom: I thought you said I was in jail!
Me: Well, yeah, but—
Mom: Why am I in jail anyway?
Me: Oh gee, I don’t know, maybe it’s because of all those people you killed?
Me: Do you know how long it took me to type that post tallying all the people that died because of you?
Mom: Wah wah wah. Alright, I guess gimme that short, curly-looking hair.
Mom: She got her head shaved when she was put in the clink and that’s all the more it’s grown back.
Me: Sure, why not. Alright, anything else you want to change?
Mom: Hell yeah, make me less ugly.
Me: Okay… anything in specific?
Mom: [Dad], you make tell him how to make her look.
Dad: Okay… make her eyebrows lower.
Dad: Lower than that.
Me: They don’t go any lower. Do you want me to make the eyes higher?
Dad: Sure, and move them closer together.
Mom: She looks cross-eyed now!
Dad: Uh… what does the cheekbone thing do?
I move the slider back and forth.
Dad: I don’t see anything happening.
Me: It’s subtle but her cheekbones are becoming more or less pronounced.
Dad: If you say so. Jeez, I’m just making this worse. She needs a cute button nose. Is there an upturned nose?
Me: Yeah, here we go.
Dad: Oh god, now she just looks like a pig. What about her chin? It needs to be narrower. That’s the narrowest it can go? Okay, um… yeesh.
Me: Y’know, the idea is to make her look kind of like mom.
Dad: Yikes. Yeah, I failed. I’ll let you two figure it out.
I reset it back to our imported face. I change the hairstyle and eye color and move on.