Me: Alright, so we’re taking Miranda. You’ve given Jacob and Jack jobs, so we need to pick someone else to take with us.

Mom: But I don’t like any of these guys.

Me: Maybe you should’ve thought about that earlier. What about Grunt, your little brother?

Mom: Yeah, ok.

We head out into the swarms, and slowly make our way to the exit. Jacob is clearly struggling as we fight off Husks and Collectors along the way

Mom: Go faster, you’re gonna get Jacob killed!

Me: I can’t make it go faster! We’re almost there. See the door?

Mom: That’s so far away! We’re never going to make it!

Jacob is on his last legs. We struggle to get through the door, but Jacob’s too weak and Grunt is too slow. The swarms grab Shepard’s krogan baby brother and fly off with him. We never see him again.

Me: Well, your brother died.

Mom: That’s a shame.

With Legion gone, we regroup in the base’s central chamber. The walls are lined with the Collectors’ pods, and we watch in horror as a colonist from Horizon is melted down, her genetic material sucked into a pipe that leads to the base’s core. We act quickly to get the Normandy crew free. Dr. Chakwas thanks us profusely for saving her.

Mom: Ugh, this bitch?

We make it as clear as we possibly can that we are not at all interested in rescuing the Normandy crew, they just happened to be on the way. 

It’s time plan the next step of our assault. The main path is flooded with Seeker swarms, too many for Mordin’s cure to be effective. We decide to have one of our biotics erect a barrier around us as we travel through the area, and have a second team create a diversion to draw fire from us.

Me: Okay, so we need someone that can make a bubble that will protect us. We can pick Jacob, Miranda, Jack, or Thane.

Mom: I’ve got to go with Jacob. He’s my hot chocolate!

Me: Why not Jack? The entire reason we recruited here was because of how powerful her biotics are.

Mom: Listen. I like Jack, but I’m not trusting her with my life. It’s gotta be Jacob.

Me: Okay. Who do you want to lead the distraction team? Do you want Miranda to do it again?

Mom: No way, she didn’t die the last time I tried that. Miranda’s coming with me this time since what I’m doing sounds dangerous and I can sacrifice her if I need to. I’ll let Jack lead the team, since I snubbed her on the bubble thing.

Me: Alrighty.

Dr. Chakwas speaks up and says that the crew is going to need an escort to get back to the Normandy safely.

Mom: Shut up, bitch.

Me: Do you want to send someone to keep her and the other people we rescued safe?

Mom: We can’t afford that! They’re on their own.

Me: Okay.

Me: We also need to decide on someone to lead the second team. This time Miranda is an option, so—

Mom: Miranda.

Me: Yeah, I figured as much.

By complete accident, mom makes two correct choices for this section. Of course, neither of them are loyal, so it doesn’t matter. We begin gunning our way through the Collecter base, and Legion barely manages to hack the door open in time to let us through.

Mom: What’s he doing?! Just tear the door open!

Me: He wouldn’t be able to close it again to keep the bad guys out if he did that.

Mom: Hmph.

Miranda gets the other team into the room as well. Unfortunately, it doesn’t occur to her to order Legion to seal the door, and before they can be shut he takes a rocket to the face. The Geth dies, and everyone appears shaken.

Mom: Oh my god who cares? It’s a robot!

We crashland on the Collector base. The Normandy is heavily damaged, but it should be ready to make the return voyage once we’re done here. What we need now is a plan to break into the base. Shepard gathers the crew in the conference room.

Mom: What the hell is Miranda doing here?

Me: You did tell the whole crew to come here.

Mom: I thought she hated me now.

Me: She does, but that doesn’t mean she can blow off her job.

Mom: UGH.

EDI manages to assemble a blue print of the Collector base. We decide to split up into two teams, while another member of the crew sneaks in through the ventilation system to hack open a door.

Me: Okay, so what we have to do now is decide who we want to send into the vents. Jacob volunteered.

Mom: Wait, what do we need them to do?

Me: There’s a door that’s too sturdy to blast through. We need someone to sneak in and hack into the system to open it.

Mom: Okay. And it’s dangerous?

Me: Right.

Mom: Let’s send Miranda.

Me: We can’t.

Mom: What the hell?!

Me: We can send Tali, the masked alien girl—

Mom: I thought she just died!

Me: That was Kasumi. Different character. We can also send Mordin the doctor, Thane, the assassin we just recruited, Garrus, Jacob, or Legion, the robot.

Mom: Hm. Let’s send the robot.

Me: Legion? Okay, why do you pick him?

Mom: Well it’s a robot. It should be good at computer stuff.

Me: Okay, that’s… actually a reasonable explanation.

Mom: And who cares if it gets broken, it’s just a stupid robot.

Me: Oh.

Mom: And if he can’t hack the computer he can just open the door with his super robot strength.

Me: Oh.

Hours after our private time with Jacob, we approach the Omega-4 relay. It responds to our IFF software and dormant protocols become active. We’re flung through the galaxy and arrive in the galactic core. The crew regards the chaos of black holes and debris with awe, but the moment is cut short as we’re assailed by Oculus Reaper drones. We head to the cargo bay to fight off one that broke into the ship, while Joker pulls some intense maneuvers to shake off the others. Our advanced armor and guns come in handy, and all looks good until the last moment. Our kinetic barriers are pushed beyond their limit, and there’s an explosion as the Mass Effect core overloads. Kasumi is caught in the blast.

Mom: Buh-bye, bitch.

Me: Ooh, you know what, that one was my fault. I forgot to have us talk to Tali about upgrading our shields.

Mom: Eh, whatever.

For those of you keeping track at home, we no longer have a loyal vent specialist. At this point we’re going to lose at least one more person.

We cast all caution to the wind and make a beeline for the Omega-4 Relay.

On the way, Jacob Taylor comes up to our quarters. Things get steamy fast, and before long he and Shepard are entangled in the sheets.

Me: Alright. So, you just had… relations, with Jacob.

Mom: Yes!

Mom: Whoa, what the hell is going on?

Me: We play as Joker for this part.

Mom: Why?

Me: I don’t know, we just do. Shepard’s not around right now and there’s some bad stuff going on.

Mom: Well, you BETTER not get my boyfriend killed like how you get me killed all the time.

Me: I don’t get you killed all the time.

Mom: Yeah yeah yeah.

Joker sneaks along the Normandy, heading first to the AI core to give EDI full control of the ship, and then to the Mass Effect core to jumpstart it. Working together, he and EDI manage to save the Normandy, but the Collectors successfully take our entire crew. We’ve been dealt a painful blow, and now it’s time to take the fight to our enemy.

The fact that, like, all the NPCs are saying that we’re not prepared to fight the Collectors couldn’t possibly be a hint for us to do more loyalty missions first.

Back on the ship, we go through the same tired old song and dance as always, before finally deciding to help out Legion. The Reapers have given the Heretic Geth a virus that will convert all Geth into servants of the Reapers. He wants us to go to the Heretic Station and destroy it in order to protect the freedom of his people.

As we’re getting ready to head out though, we receive a message from EDI. The Reaper IFF has been fully installed, but she needs to run diagnostics on the Normandy to ensure that everything is still working properly. She recommends we take the Kodiak shuttle to the next mission so that she and Joker can put the Normandy through its paces.

We gather up the shore party head out, when trouble arises. The Normandy’s controls freeze up, and the rocky form of the Collectors’ ship explodes into view nearby…

Sorry Legion, we’ve got to table this whole “protect the sanctity of synthetic life” thing. It’s endgame time.

We complete our rampage through Dantius Towers and finally come face to face with Nassana, two years and hundreds of blog posts later. She thinks that we’re the assassins, which provides the actual killer the perfect opporunity. Thane drops from the vents behind her and murders her quickly and efficiently. He positions her body respectfully and says a prayer for the wicked.

Mom: This guy is ugly.

We explain that we want Thane to help us with a suicide mission, and he accepts. He says that he’s dying, and that he is working to do some good in the galaxy before his time is up.

Back on the ship, Jacob is immediately distrustful of Thane. Mom initially defends him, explaining that he’s working for free. As soon as Thane leaves the room though, Mom tells Jacob to keep an eye on our newest recruit.

Mom: It’s good to be supportive.

Liara’s contact tells us that Thane Krios has been hired to assassinate an asari named Nassana Dantius, a woman who called us up back in Mass Effect 1 to discuss a business proposition, but we blew her off. She offers to take us to Dantius Towers, where we can hopefully catch the assassin before he escapes. 

The asari flies us to the bottom of one of the towers. Mom asks why we aren’t flying straight for the penthouse and Shepard echoes her. The asari explains that the place is loaded with mercenaries armed to the teeth, and that starting from the bottom is the only viable route.

We blow open the front doors of the tower and start gunning down mercs and mechs. We head to the elevator, where we find a salarian janitor gasping his last breath. He says that the mercs started open-firing on the night crew before ever giving them a chance to leave.

Me: Do you want to give him some medicine to save his life?

Mom: What do you think.

The salarian passes away and we head up to the next level of the tower.

Upstairs we take out a few more waves of mechs before coming across a sealed door. We hack it open to find several salarian workers. One of them has a gun pointed at us and is visibly shaking in fear.

Mom: Shoot him!

I take the Renegade Interrupt, but it only knocks him out.

Mom: Rats.

The salarians explain that a mysterious drell locked them in the room for safety. We tell them to get out of the tower while the lower levels are cleared.

We hop in another elevator and happen upon a merc chatting with his partners. We manage to get the jump on him and try to coerce him into helping us, but he’s not going for it.

Merc: I’ve got nothing to say to you.

Mom: Shove him out that window!

A Renegade Interrupt comes up and I do exactly that.

Shepard: How about “goodbye”

Mom: Yes!