In order to recruit Thane the assassin, we’re going to need intel. Fortunately, we have a connection on Illium: Liara T’Soni, the daughter of that weird bug lady we killed, that weird girl that we left to rot in a stasis field for months before saving her, pressing her for information, and then ditching her, is now working as an information broker on Illium.

We enter her office and Shepard and Liara share a tender embrace.

Mom: Oh please.

Me: Actually… yeah she really doesn’t have much reason to care about you.

Mom: Wait am I supposed to know who this is?

Me: Well, yes, but… no.

Mom: Let’s do this shit.

Me: Dang, you’re pumped today. Alright, let’s look at what missions we have available. We can check out the Normandy crash, investigate Project Overlord, help Tali, help Mordin, help Zaeed, go see what Legion the robot wants, rescue Dr. Kenson—

Mom: God I’m sick of helping all these people.

Me: Well that’s… kind of the game you signed up for.

Mom: Everyone has a problem that they want me to solve for them! Why can’t anyone do anything for themselves? I’m like Space Florence Nightingale! When are these people going to help ME?

Me: Well, the idea is that by helping them take care of their personal problems, they’ll be more focused for the mission you’ve recruited them for. You’re helping them so that they can help you more.

Mom: Yeah, I’ll bet.

Me: Anyway, we can also recruit the Assassin or the Justicar if you want.

Mom: What’s the deal with the Justicar.

Me: She’s kind of like Jack, she—

Mom: She’s like Jack?! Well let’s go get her!

Me: No, I mean, she’s got powers like Jack does.

Mom: Jack has powers?

Me: …Yes. She can throw stuff around with her mind and stuff. That’s kind of her thing.

Mom: Oh. Didn’t we already recruit the Assassin and it was really boring?

Me: No, we never did. We were going to at one point but you changed your mind.

Mom: I guess let’s do that then.

Mom comes back from the store with some new clothes.

Mom: What the heck? Why are these jeans so expensive? Oh, they’re Calvin Klein, that’d explain it.

Me: It’s all Kaidan’s fault.

Mom: Huh?

Me: You know, from Mass Effect.

Mom: Oh! Haha, you’re right. Do you know what they’re actually up to?

Me: I cannot even pretend to know.

Mom: What’s the big guy’s name again?

Me: Grunt?

Mom: Yeah, him. There are a whole bunch of micro-organisms living in the fabric of all their clothes, and when you pour a special chemical on the fabric they grow into Grunts.

Me: But I thought Grunt was your brother.

Mom: He is! They made me because the chemical was put into a bottle disguised to look like a bottle of booze, but then it accidentally got sent off to a bar (Editor’s Note: ???). That’s where I come in. My job is to go around ordering drinks at every bar in space until I find the chemical.

Me: I see.

Mom: But I blow that off and just get wasted instead

We head over to the Dark Star club to get some drinks. Naturally, Mom shotguns everything the bartender hands her and ends up passing out, waking up in the men’s bathroom.

Mom: Why isn’t Jack down on the floor with me? She was supposed to be matching me drink for drink!

We head to the meeting spot that Harkin set up. Garrus prepares to snipe Sidonis.

Mom: Wait, I thought we already killed the guy we came to kill!

Me: What? No.

Mom: Yeah we just shot him!

Me: We only shot that guy in the leg, and besides, that wasn’t who we’re after. That was just the guy who could tell us where our target is. We just needed info from him

Mom: I thought the ugly little munchkin Fade guy was the one we needed info from!

Me: That guy wasn’t the real Fade, he was just working for him.

Mom: Oh my God this is so confusing.

Me: It really isn’t.

We step out of Garrus’ way immediately and let him kill Sidonis.

Mom: Let’s go to the bar.

We head for the warehouse district. Harkin’s ready for us, and throws wave after wave of mechs and mercs at us. We punch through his defenses and make it to the control room.

Mom: “I remember Harkin.”

Me: No you don’t you liar.

Mom: Shoosh, HE doesn’t know that!

Garrus beats Harkin into submission. The crooked C-Sec officer finally relents, and agrees to set up a meeting between us and Sidonis.

Mom: Stop talking and kill him!

Garrus draws his gun and fires, putting a bullet in Harkin’s leg.

Mom: No, you idiot, I said kill him!

We head into the warehouse to talk to Fade, the criminal who made Sidonis “disappear.”

Fade is a volus, flanked on either side by a krogan mercenary.

Mom: Shoot ‘em!

A Renegade Interrupt appears and I do exactly that.

Mom: Shoot Fade too!

Me: We need information out of him!

The volus gets nervous and immediately starts talking. He explains that he’s not actually Fade, he only works for him. He tells us where we can find his employer, and reveals that Fade is none other than Harkin, the alcoholic C-Sec officer we had to deal with back in Mass Effect 1.

Me: Do you remember that guy.

Mom: Of course not. Shoot Fade!

Me: That’s not even the real Fade! He was lying.

Mom: Ughhhh.

Me: Near the beginning of the game, we got an email from Udina that we should go see him if we’re in this area.

Mom: Who?

Me: You remember the guy that you put in charge at the end of the first game?

Mom: Oh, yeah, like I remember something.

Me: You know the… the “mad scientist.”

Mom: Nope.

Me: Alright whatever. Do you want to go see him?

Mom: Why would I want to go see a mad scientist?

We head into Zakera Ward. On the way to the warehouse, we overhear two krogan arguing about something.

Me: One of those guys thinks that the reflecting pool here has fish in it.

Mom: Okay.

Me: Do you want to find out if it does for him?

Mom: …Why would I want to waste my time doing that?

Me: Fair enough.

We head on downstairs and come across a volus, a quarian, and a C-Sec officer arguing with one another. The volus is accusing the quarian of picking his pocket, and the quarian is insisting that he only thinks that because he’s racist. The C-Sec officer is leaning toward the volus.

I talk to the group, but mom immediately selects “goodbye.”