We link up with the Illusive Man to give him a piece of our minds for luring us into a trap.

…Well, no we don’t. Mom doesn’t care. We link up with him because that’s the thing that happens next.

Dad: What’s wrong with that guy’s eyes?

Me: He’s got robot-ey—

Mom: He’s stoned. See the joint he’s got?

Dad: He’s smokin’ a doobie.

Mom turns to me.

Mom: Told you.

The Illusive Man explains that EDI has learned how the Collectors use the Omega-4 Relay. They have a special piece of IFF software that, when detected by the relay, activates advanced travel protocols. He tells us about a dead reaper currently orbiting a brown dwarf, from which we should be able to extract the IFF software.

Dad: Brown dwarf? Like a poop?

Mom: Yeah!

Dad: That guy should eat more fiber if he’s worried about brown dwarves.

Mom: He smokes all his fiber.

As I fight through to the Geth Colossus, Geth explode and make their weird dial-up modem roars.

Dad: Those sound like alien farts.

Me: They’re robots.

Dad: Robot farts then.

Me: …Can robots fart?

Dad: Well sure, if they have methane to discharge.

Me: So like car exhaust is the fart of a car.

Dad: Is car exhaust methane?

Me: Well I guess not, it’s carbon monoxide.

Dad: Yeah, it’s the same thing we exhale. We don’t call exhaling farting.

Me: No, we exhale carbon dioxide.

Dad: Oh.

Me: I think it’s pretty humano-centric of you to insist that farts have to be primarily methane-based.

Dad: If it’s not methane it’s not a fart. End of story.

Me: So the deal with this planet is that the sun is so hot that it will severely burn you if you stay out in the sun too long.

Mom: I get enough of that already now that we live in Dallas.

Me: Also those robots from the first game are here but I doubt you remember them.

Mom: I remember the robots!

We head into the Quarian ruins to locate Tali’s team, fighting through Geth on our way.

Mom: Why is [Shepard] grunting so much?

Me: She’s getting shot at.

Mom: She sounds like she’s trying to poop.

Me: You know, you guys are really on a toilet humor kick.

Dad: It’s hardly our fault that [Shepard] had a lot of chili last night and is trying to squeeze out a nice wet poop.

Mom: Yeah!

Dad: Really our mission right now is just to find a bathroom.

Mom: Hahaha, yes!

Dad: Alright you alien scumbag, I’m gonna ask this once and once only. Where’s the toilet?

I head back to the Normandy so my dad can decide on a mission.

Dad: You’ve still got your flatulation vent!

Me: …yeah.

Dad: There’s another important use for that. You can turn your back to a guy and bend over and light a match and FOOM. Flamethrower.

Mom: You can weaponize your farts!

Dad: Spray everyone with flaming methane.

Mom: Miranda starts getting uppity, just PBBPBBPBBPBB.

Dad: FOOM.

Mom: You don’t look like you’re enjoying this.

Me: No, no, go right ahead. Get it all out of your system.

Dad: That’ll be really easy, what with the flatulation vent.

Back on the Normandy, Miranda and Jacob are arguing about what to do with the krogan.

Me: Sounds like Miranda doesn’t want to wake up the test-tube krogan.

Mom: Then we are poppin’ that sucker open right away.

Miranda frowns and says she hopes we know what we’re doing.

Mom: See, why does Miranda get a sexy outfit? She gets pretty hair, and sexy clothes, this is bullshit.

Dad: No fart vent though.

Me: No, no fart vent. It’s a skin-tight bodysuit.

Dad: So when she farts it’s trapped and slowly floats up and out her neck hole where she’s got to smell it.

Me: So, if you want, we can use the dress as our casual wear now.

Mom: What’s the point? She’s too mannish to pull it off.

I head up to the Captain’s Quarters to change out of the dress. Dad gets a good look at it.

Dad: Yikes. That’s not a dress that’s a… leather… covering. It looks like it was designed by Hellen Keller. It makes her look like a blob.

Mom: [Dad], you pick out which outfit I should wear.

I cycle through the options.

Dad: It’s not like you’ve got any good options here.

Mom: Let’s just stick with the redneck outfit.

I equip the overalls and head for the elevator.

Dad: At least that one’s got a hole in the back to show off some buttcrack.

Me: Okay, so—

Dad: You know, if you’re into butts.

Me: Mom, is there anyone on the ship you’d like to—

Dad: If you’re into butts you’re probably have a lot of poop on you.

Me: Would you like to go talk to anyone on the ship? The Convict maybe?

Mom: Yeah, I like The Convict, let’s go see what she’s up to. Maybe she’s killing someone.

Dad: Or wait, maybe it’s for when she farts, so she doesn’t have to lift her leg to let it out. It’s a flatulation vent for convenient farting on the go.