Kaidan tells us that Joker’s refusing to leave the ship.

Shepard: Get to an escape pod. I’ll worry about getting his crippled ass out of here.

Me: Joker’s got a disease that makes his bones super-brittle.

Mom: Why didn’t you tell me he’s damaged goods?! Oh well, I guess that means he gets to draw disability pay.

The Normandy collapses all around us as the mysterious ship continues to fire.

Mom: Aw man, I liked the Normandy. Who’s shooting at us anyway?

Me: We don’t know yet, they just came out of nowhere.

We make it to the bridge, and convince Joker that it’s time to go. We get him into an escape pod, but before we can enter ourselves, another blast rocks the Normandy and sends us flying into space. Shepard notices a puncture in her suit, and then another. She desperately tries to plug the holes as she careens toward the surface of a nearby planet.

Mom: Wait a second. Did you just get us killed?

Me: We died. That’s how the game starts.

Mom: We’re dead?! Well I guess we’re finished then, no reason to keep playing. End of Mom Effect!

She gets up to leave the room.

Me: Get back in here dammit.