I blow the Reaper’s core and the entire thing starts to fall. We’ve got to get back to the Normandy, and fast. We grab the deactivated Geth and book it back to the exit.

Mom: Wait why are we taking him?

Me: Well, Jack is saying he might be worth a lot of money.

Mom: Hmph.

The Reaper sinks into the depths of the Brown Dwarf as we get back to the Normandy just in time.

In the conference room, Jacob and Miranda are debating what to do with the Geth. Jacob wants it destroyed before it can hack the Normandy and possibly kill everyone. Miranda, however, is suggesting that we turn it over to Cerberus in exchange for a considerable bounty.

Mom: Shut up Miranda.

Dad: Yeah, you haven’t had a hit in years, Michael!

Mom: He’s dead.

Dad: Oh, right.

Me: So do you want to hold onto the robot or let Miranda sell him for you for a lot of money? You can get a lot of cash for it.

Mom: We’ve already gone over this. I want to do the opposite of what Miranda wants. We’re keeping it.

We dismiss Jacob and Miranda and head down to the AI core.

Me: I’m surprised you decided not to sell him!

Mom: Why do you want me to so much? You’re trying to trick me aren’t you?

Me: No, I just thought you cared about the cash.

Mom: Eh, we have enough cash.

Me: What.

Mom: Well how much would we get for selling him?

Me: I think 50,000.

Mom: See? That’s chump change! That’s a drop in the bucket. Not worth it. And besides pissing off Miranda is more important than getting money.

Me: I never thought I’d live to see this day.

After an embarrassing display, I finally break through the army of husks and into the area beyond. We manage to secure the IFF, and now the only thing left to do is blow up the Reaper’s core do disable its forcefields.

The mysterious talking Geth is already in the reactor room, working on a console. It attempts to fight off the Husks closing in on it but it’s soon overwhelmed.

Dad: Maybe it WAS aiming for you before and it’s just a really bad shot.

Proceeding through the next area, I get cornered by a Scion and some Abominations and get killed. Mom is displeased.

I reload and try again, but once again make a mistake and get killed.

Mom: You really suck at this game.

Me: Shush!

This time, I cloak and try to bypass all the enemies and hack the door. Cloak ends up running out right between two Scions and I die again.

Dad: How many tries do you get?

Me: As many as I want. There’s no lives or anything.

Mom: Good, you need a lot of tries.

Me: This is one of the hardest parts in the game!

Mom: I don’t want to hear it.

As a flailing effort to retain my Gamer Cred I feel compelled to tell you that I’ve beaten the Derelict Reaper on Insanity with a Vanguard in a single attempt.

We head deeper into the derelict Reaper. A Geth is positioned with a sniper rifle and we’re in its sights.

Mom: You’re getting me killed again!

The Geth adjusts its aim at the last second and shoots a Husk behind us.

Dad: No, see, he’s helping you.

Mom: Oh.

As we continue deeper into the Reaper, we’re swarmed by Husks.

Mom: God knows you have to run, because you’ve got to run everywhere.

Me: We’re being swarmed by zombies!

Mom: Where’s that science team anyway.

Me: I think this is them.

We continue to fight through masses of zombies.

Mom: Why were there so many people on this science team?

Me: …You know what, I don’t know.

We head into the Cerberus lab that’s been attached to the Reaper’s hull. There’s no sign of the research team that had been sent ahead of us, but video logs suggest that they were undergoing mysterious psychological problems.

Me: Both of these scientists have a memory of the same wife.

Mom: They’re both lying.

Before heading for the derelict Reaper, we decide to check in on Jacob. He’s in a sober mood after the experience on the Collector ship. We talk with him about what happened with his father, and he tells us to forget about it, that he’d rather focus on the present, like us or the mission.

Mom: Tell me more about me.

Jacob laughs. He’s attracted to us, but doesn’t want anything serious. He’s looking for a casual fling.

Mom: …Why would I want anything serious?

Mom cements her relationship with Jacob and I am secretly sad that she didn’t screw up two romances in a row.

Dad: Tell him that you want him to touch your boob.

We gather the crew in the meeting room to discuss what we’ve learned about the dead Reaper. Miranda takes her position at Shepard’s right hand.

Mom: What the hell is she doing here.

Me: She’s still your first officer.

Mom: She’s a bitch.

EDI’s data-mining reveals that the Collector homeworld is located in the galactic core, a hazardous, chaotic zone filled with black holes and exploding suns. Extreme precision will be needed to go there without instantly being killed. We’re now faced with a choice: keep building our team, or set out to get the IFF.

Mom: We’re ready, let’s do this.

Miranda thinks that we should take as much time as possible to prepare.

Mom: Who told her she could talk? Hey bitch, the sewer called! They want their whore back!

Dad: Is that Michael Jackson?

Mom: Oh my God she does look like Michael Jackson!

Dad: You should tell her to beat it

Mom: It’s black, it’s white.

They continue in this manner for about three minutes.

Me: Are you two finished?

Mom: Yeah, yeah fine.

Me: So do you want to go after the IFF or continue preparing like Miranda wants?

Mom: Whatever Miranda wants, I want to do the opposite.

We link up with the Illusive Man to give him a piece of our minds for luring us into a trap.

…Well, no we don’t. Mom doesn’t care. We link up with him because that’s the thing that happens next.

Dad: What’s wrong with that guy’s eyes?

Me: He’s got robot-ey—

Mom: He’s stoned. See the joint he’s got?

Dad: He’s smokin’ a doobie.

Mom turns to me.

Mom: Told you.

The Illusive Man explains that EDI has learned how the Collectors use the Omega-4 Relay. They have a special piece of IFF software that, when detected by the relay, activates advanced travel protocols. He tells us about a dead reaper currently orbiting a brown dwarf, from which we should be able to extract the IFF software.

Dad: Brown dwarf? Like a poop?

Mom: Yeah!

Dad: That guy should eat more fiber if he’s worried about brown dwarves.

Mom: He smokes all his fiber.

After grabbing the Widow sniper rifle, we head deeper into the Collector Base. We locate the central computing hub and wire EDI into the system. Suddenly, everything starts going wrong. Alien viruses attempt to shut down the Normandy and the platform we’re standing on rises into the air. More platforms start flying in, bearing on them Collectors and Scions.

It’s a trap.

We defend ourselves from the Collectors as EDI works to lower our platform back to the ground so we can escape. As the fight ends, EDI discovers some troubling news. The Turian transmission that brought us here was very obviously faked. It’s impossible that The Illusive Man could have believed it to be real.

Me: Martin Sheen tricked us!

Mom: Eh, he was stoned. You can’t expect too much from him.

We continue to fight our way through the Collectors and make it back to the Normandy by the skin of our teeth.