Since mom’s out of town today and since we’re just about to start the endgame, I thought it would be worthwhile to go back through the Tumblr and try and figure out just what the hell my mom imagines the plot of this video game to be.
Some thirty to forty years ago, Udina and Matriarch Benezia, also known as Betty, went to college together on Virmire (asari do not have super-long lifespans in mom’s version of the story). They went to school for some kind of biology, and were also huge stoners, having a lot of wacky misadventures along the lines of such classic films as Dazed and Confused and Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle.
Fueled by drugs, sex, and youthful ambition, the two create several genetic mutants. These include the Thorian, a massive plant designed to get you higher then even the dankest nugs, a perfect clone of the long-dead Rachni Queen, and Saren, a test-tube-born turian. Somewhere along the line something went wrong. Presumably, Saren escaped and joined the Spectres, and Betty managed to somehow become part Rachni. She wears that headdress to hide her antennae. The Thorian also escaped, and evolved the ability to control the minds of any who attempted to smoke it.
The college was shut down and the two abandoned the lab. Betty, now an outcast from society and likely pregnant with Liara by this point (could the father be Udina???), went into seclusion, while Udina transferred schools, changed his major to Political Science, and started getting involved in interstellar government. Eventually, he’d become the Ambassador for the Human Embassy on the Citadel. Presumably they had some kind of “I Know What You Did Last Summer”-style pact to never discuss what happened in the science lab of Virmire Community College ever again. He couldn’t have been happy that Saren ALSO worked on the Citadel.
Meanwhile, back on Earth, the Calvin Klein company is still going strong in the future. Two orphan twin sisters get jobs in a Klein blue-jeans factory. The more troublesome of the two, Robyn Shepard, joins The Reds, a local gang. They use the basement of the factory as their hideout. Robyn’s sister, meanwhile, attracts the attention of the owner of the factory, one of the sons of the Klein family. They begin an illicit affair, and Klein falls madly in love with her. He has his will re-written to give all of his vast riches to her when he dies.
Kaidan Klein, the factory owner’s younger brother, is furious when he hears the news. He murders his brother and Shepard’s sister, destroys the new will, and falsifies one that bequeaths all of the money to him instead. The police are obviously suspicious, and his assets are frozen. Kaidan goes completely off the grid, and has his last name changed to Alenko. He joins the Alliance Navy to get off the planet, and makes up a dumb backstory about how he was in love with a girl at kid’s bootcamp and how he killed his turian drill sergeant when he hit her. Now he just needs to find a woman as rich as he is to marry, so that he can use her to get at the money he’s stolen and also rob her on top of it.
What he didn’t count on was Robyn Shepard, known better on the mean streets of Vancouver as simply “Mama.” She joins the Alliance with the hope to one day hunt down and get revenge on the man who killed her sister/the man who screwed her out of mooching off of a billionaire for the rest of her life. Over the course of her time in the military, her single-minded determination and no-nonsense attitude help her acquire an impressive service record, and she is inducted into the N7 Program. She’s finally assigned to the same ship as Kaidan, the Normandy, but before she can put her revenge plan in motion she has a fateful encounter with a Prothean beacon.
The Reapers, a race of omnipotent machine devils, are preparing to return. The Reaper Sovereign has taken advantage of Saren’s easily-influenced mind (owing to the fact that the man who made him was high as a kite when he was doing so) and has made him into his servant. Saren has gone rogue, and is using his knowledge of all of Udina’s dirty little secrets to throw the galaxy into disarray while he searches for the Conduit. He recruits Betty, and also manages to get the Geth on his side. He heads back to the college on Virmire and repurposes its laboratories to establish a krogan-breeding factory.
Now Mama Shepard has no choice but to put her revenge on hold while she cleans up Udina’s mess and stops the Reapers, killing anyone who slows her down or who just sort of rubs her the wrong way. She attempts to proceed with seducing Kaidan during her downtime, but either he can see through her plan and doesn’t fall for it, he’s too distracted by the mission to notice, or she’s just not as attractive as she thinks she is.
That explains everything but this odd statement made near the beginning of the game. How can Calvin Klein be involved in the Reapers’ plot? The key here is to remember that The Illusive Man is the third, eldest brother of the Klein family. Presumably, he’s the patriarch of the family. Which would mean that Cerberus is actually the clothing company’s private army! They’re likely researching the Reapers and attempting to repurpose indoctrination technology to use as a new form of advertisement. Their human supremacy stance is simply because it’s not cost-effective to produce different cuts of jeans for every species in the galaxy. Cerberus’ endgame is to create the most powerful and lucrative clothing company the galaxy has ever seen!
Which raises an interesting question. Did Kaidan actually join the military as a Cerberus mole, or is he an unbalanced and violent liability to the family who acted without The Illusive Man’s permission, a figure sort of like Joe Pesci in Goodfellas? That remains to be seen.