Mom: 

♫Hot Chocolate, check it and see♫

♫Got a fever of 103♫

♫C’mon baby do you do more than dance♫

♫Hot Chocolate, Hot Chocolate♫

The scene opens on two shadowy figures, discussing Commander Shepard’s actions in the Battle of the Citadel.

Mom: Who the hell are these people?

Me: We don’t know.

Mom: Well I don’t like how the woman shakes her ass when she walks.

Let us take a brief moment to mourn those who were stupid enough to get within a 20 mile radius of Mama Shepard.

Music

Corporal Richard L. Jenkins, Alliance Navy: “He should have been more careful.”

Nihlus, Spectre, Galactic Council: “He was up to something.”

“Fist,” agent of the Shadow Broker and Local Business Owner. Killed for his bar’s failure to provide satisfactory customer service.

David Al Talaqani, ExoGeni Feros Colonist. Killed by Geth Rocket Troopers because he was distracted by Shepard’s unsolicited sexual advances.

Ethan Jeong, ExoGeni, Corporate-Colonist Relations. Killed in part because he is a huge dick, but primarily because the game offers the option to do so.

Arcelia Silva Martinez, Macha Doyle, May O’Connell, Davin Reynolds, Greta Reynolds, Hollis Blake, Calantha Blake, Hana Murakami, Ledra (surname unknown), and Ian Newstead, ExoGeni Feros Colonists. Killed for being possessed by the Thorian, and because Shepard didn’t like the person who suggested taking them down non-lethally.

Shiala (surname unknown), handmaiden to Matriarch Benezia “Betty” T’Soni. Left to starve to death in the desolate war-torn ruins of the Zhu’s Hope colony on Feros. Presumed dead.

Rear Admiral Kahoku, Alliance Navy. Killed while investigating Cerberus alone, without Commander Shepard’s help. Body presumed to be devoured by Rachni Soldiers.

Sergeant Kaira Stirling, Elanus Risk Control Services. Killed for erroneously believing that she was a more badass woman than Robyn Shepard.

Gianna Parasini, Noveria Internal Affairs. Killed by Rannadril Ghan Swa Fulsoom Karaten Narr Eadi Bel Anoleis, after Robyn Shepard deliberately blew her cover, primarily out of spite.

Rannadril Ghan Swa Fulsoom Karaten Narr Eadi Bel Anoleis, Port Hanshan Administrator. Killed by Gianna Parasini. Respected by Commander Shepard as a fellow asshole and low-life.

Matriarch Benezia “Betty” T’Soni, Virmire Community College Alumni and certified Bug-Lady. Killed in battle against Commander Shepard. Known user of recreational drugs.

The Rachni Queen, Insectoid Monarch and the last of her kind. Killed by Commander Shepard, who erroneously believed she could take the Queen’s place as the ruler of the Rachni if she did so.

Captain J. Ventralis, Elanus Risk Control Services, along with all other individuals employed at Binary Helix’s Rift Station complex. Brutally slaughtered by berserk Rachni Soldiers because Commander Shepard thought that “things would be more interesting” if she didn’t exterminate them.

Urdnot Wrex, mercenary. Killed by Commander Shepard, who saw no point in keeping him around after he gave her all of his money during their first encounter.

Captain Kirrahe, Salarian STG, 3rd Infiltration Regiment. Died fighting Geth forces because taking the time to save him would have delayed Commander Shepard’s opportunity to murder Ashley Williams.

Name Unknown, krogan biologist. Killed because Commander Shepard mistook him for Urdnot Wrex, and wanted to make certain that she had killed him.

Rana Thanoptis, biologist and expert of krogan biology. Killed because the game presented the option to do so.

Ashley “Cum-Stain” Williams, Alliance Navy. Killed because Commander Shepard is too insecure to allow any women to interact with a man she is attracted to.

Citadel Councilors Sparatus, Tevos, and Valern, along with the entire crew of the Destiny Ascension. Killed because they “hadn’t done anything for [Commander Shepard] lately,” and because Shepard hoped that in killing them and decreasing the overall number of viable sexual candidates in the universe, her odds of sedcuing Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko would improve.

Saren Arterius, Spectre, Galactic Council. Killed in battle against Commander Shepard, then killed in battle against Commander Shepard a second time after being revived as a Husk. Created in a petri dish by Ambassador Udina aproximately 30 years ago.

Sovereign, spearhead of the Reaper invasion force. Commander Shepard had the following comment regarding the defeat of her most powerful and dangerous enemy: “Who?”

Total Death Toll: Approximately 10,046

Special mentions go to Tali’Zorah nar Rayya, Dr. Liara T’Soni, Ph.D, and Lizbeth and Julianna Baynham, all of whom would have been killed had the opportunity presented itself.

Music

Final statistics, Mass Effect 1:

Robyn “Mama” Shepard

Infiltrator

Earthborn

Ruthless

75% Renengade

0% Paragon

-9 hours, 47 minutes

-Seven days

-158 Posts

-752 Followers

Deaths: 5

Most Used Squadmate: Kaidan Alenko

Least Used Squadmate: Liara T’Soni

Most Hated Squadmate: Ashley Williams

Love Interest: None

Planet Order: Eden Prime, Feros, Noveria, Virmire, Therum, Ilos

Sidequests Completed: 3:

—————————

Feros: Data Recovery

Citadel: Old Friends

Noveria: Smuggling

—————————

Sidequests Actively Refused: 17:

—————————

Citadel: Scan the Keepers

Citadel: Presidium Prophet

Citadel: Reporter’s Request

Citadel: The Fan

Feros: Geth in the Tunnels

Feros: Power Cells

Feros: Varren Meat

Feros: Water Restoration

Citadel: Snap Inspection

Citadel: The Fourth Estate

Citadel: Homecoming

Citadel: Rita’s Sister

UNC: Asari Diplomacy

UNC: Missing Marines

Noveria: Espionage

UNC: Rogue VI

Citadel: Negotiator’s Request

—————————

Waterfalls Investigated: 1

Secrets Discovered: 0

Women Called “Sewer Whore:” 4:

—————————

Emily Wong

Lizbeth Baynham

Ashley Williams

Dr. Liara T’Soni, Ph.D

—————————

Pornographic Films Planned: 1

Pornographic Films Produced: 0

Conspiracies Unraveled: 1

Revenges Taken: 0

Mass Effect Terms Learned: 1: “Beacon”

Expositions Paid Attention To: 0

Mako Mishaps: 3

Men Hit On: 7:

—————————

Lt. Kaidan Alenko

Captain David Anderson

Officer Harkin

“Finch”

David Al Talaqani

Lorik Qui’in

Flight Lieutenant Jeffrey “Joker” Moreau

—————————

And most importantly, CASH EARNED: 194,116 credits

Once the dust has settled, Udina summons us and Anderson for a secret meeting. He believes that Shepard’s actions during the Battle of the Citadel have presented the human race with a unique opportunity to seize control of the galaxy. Anderson is aghast, but Shepard agrees. The two decide to found an all-human Council to lead the galaxy in the upcoming war against the Reapers. Udina wants to know who Shepard endorses as the Council’s chair.

Me: So we basically have to decide who gets to be President in the next game. We can pick the “mad scientist,” or the “black guy with bad acne.”

Mom: No question. Mad scientist. Things will be way more interesting with him in charge.

Me: Well, alright then.

Shepard says that the real work begins now, and takes off in the Normandy to start preparing for the Reaper invasion.

The fleets outside manage to destroy Sovereign. The Reaper dramatically explodes as we kill Saren’s possessed husk. A piece of debris crashes into the Citadel Tower.

Me: Uh-oh, looks like something flew into the window.

Mom: Of course. They’ve gotta find some way to set up a sequel.

Me: ???

Alliance soldiers are digging through the rubble in the Council chamber. They find Garrus and Kaidan, battered and bruised. Anderson scans the scenery, looking for some sign of Shepard. Kaidan and Garrus hang their heads.

Me: It looks like you might not have survived.

Mom: Oh please, I’m fine.

Me: I dunno, it looks to me like you got crushed under that huge piece of debris.

Everyone shares a few conflicted glances. Happy that they’ve won, sad that the Commander didn’t make it.

And then, the music swells. Everyone looks up. Shepard comes running out from behind Sovereign’s tentacle, clutching her ribs.

Mom: See? I’m fine.

Me: Alright, you know one of the most important rules of video games, that the secret’s always behind the waterfall. But THE most important rule is, when you kill the last guy, he always comes back to life even stronger than he was before.

Mom: That’s stupid!

Garrus and Kaidan head down to Saren’s body to confirm the kill. He begins to crackle with red energy. A shockwave throws Shepard over the ledge and down into the courtyard.

Saren: I AM SOVEREIGN, AND I CONTROL THIS STATION.

Mom: Well la-di-da.

With Saren defeated, Shepard approaches the console and opens the Citadel’s arms. Sovereign is now vulnerable to attack.

We receive a transmission from the Destiny Ascension. They’re requesting assistance, stating that the Council is on board. Kaidan and Garrus both voice their opinion on the matter. Garrus asserts that the only way to save the galaxy is to sacrifice the Council and focus all of our resources on Sovereign. Kaidan disagrees and insists that saving the Council is the right move. Joker eagerly awaits Shepard’s orders.

He keeps waiting a while.

Mom is answering an email on her computer. I politely wait.

After about five minutes I get bored and start reading a book.

Five minutes later, her eyes wander over to the TV screen.

Mom: Oh jeez! Were you waiting on me? I thought we were done with the game after we killed Saren.

Me: Oh, no, we’ve got a little bit more to go.

Mom: Wow, I’m sorry. What are we doing here?

Me: They want to know if you want to use some of your army to save the government leaders of the galaxy, or if you want to sacrifice them and devote everything to attacking Sovereign.

Mom: Pff, let ‘em die! What good are they to me? I’m gonna keep killing people until there’s no one but me and my boyfriend left in the galaxy. Then he’ll have no choice but to love me.

Me: …

Kaidan: Sacrificing the Council for the greater good? I hope you know what you’re doing, Shepard.

Mom: Oh what, you don’t like it? Screw you.

We make it into the Council Chamber, now in flames. Cautiously, we approach the control console, when Saren suddenly rises into view on his hoverboard.

Shepard: This ends now!

Mom: Thank God.

The two trade insults, and then mom tells Saren that he’s going down. A battle ensues as Saren flies about the chamber, raining biotic blasts down on us. We defeat him, and he crashes through a glass floor into a small garden below, a piece of the glass impaling him.

Me: You beat Saren. Now all that’s left to do is—

Mom: Woo!

I charge the Geth forces amassed on the Citadel, shooting, running, and hacking for my life as I try to beat Saren to the Council chambers as a space battle rages overhead that will determine the fate of the galaxy.

Mom: Man, this game got boring at the end.

Me: Well, it’s really combat-heavy.

Mom: Like holy shit this is boring.

Me: I’m running on the outside of a space station, trying to make it to the control room to save the galaxy from Robot Satan!

Mom: Eh.

Me: There are so many explosions and gunfire that you just asked me to turn the volume down.

Mom: Eh. I just hope the next game isn’t this boring.