The Collector Ship
I grab Jack and Jacob and head for the Collector vessel.
Mom: Hey! You didn’t ask me who I want to bring.
Me: I brought Jack and Jacob, the same people you always bring.
Mom: You should still ask.
Me: You always tell me not to ask!
Mom: If you just want to play without my input then go ahead.
Man these updates just get further and further apart.
Me: Martin Sheen wants to talk to us.
Me: We don’t have a choice.
We head into the comm room and dial up The Illusive Man. He takes a long drag on a cigarette.
Mom: He’s got a joint!
Me: It’s a cigarette.
Mom: It’s a joint.
The Illusive Man tells us that the Turians have managed to disable a Collector vessel, and that we should head there to investigate it before the Turian backup arrives.
Mom: Look at his eyes! And you’re trying to tell me that’s not a joint.
Me: He’s got robot eyes.
Mom: He’s stoned!
Me: Anyway, what do you want to say to him.
Mom: Give me a drag!
Me: …You can’t do that.
Mom: Well shit.
We tag the keystone to end the trial. Uvenk and his cronies show up before the shaman can get to us.
Grunt: We have company. Good. I want more.
Me: You know, I’m starting to believe that you two ARE related.
Mom: Yeah. We have the same eyes.
We make quick work of Uvenk.
The Third Trial
Now, all krogan bear the genophage. Our reward, our curse. It is a fight where the only goal is survival!
While fighting the Thresher Maw, I have to pause to go to the kitchen and help Dad find the mixer.
I watch as he puts not only vanilla ice cream and chocolate pudding, but half a package of crushed-up Oreos and two packets of hot chocolate mix into a bowl. At that point he tells me to go away so God knows what else he put in before he started mixing it all up.
He comes up with a pitcher of light brown liquid as I’m finishing off the Thresher Maw.
Dad: Okay, who wants some.
Mom: That’s a brand-new pitcher! It’s supposed to be for margaritas!
Dad: Yeah, well, today it was for ice cream and pudding.
Mom begrudgingly tries some.
Mom: …It’s actually pretty good.
The First Trial
We’re instructed to wait at the keystone, and survive whatever is thrown at us.
First the krogan conquered Tuchanka, and mastered a natural world only we are fit to rule!
Dad: Honey, have we unpacked a mixer yet?
Mom: Y… yes, why?
Dad: I want to make a Frostee.
Mom: What with like, ice cream and milk?
Me: We don’t have any milk.
Dad: I’m gonna mix some vanilla ice cream with chocolate pudding.
Mom: …If… you really have to, then yes, the mixer’s in the closet.
We head up to speak with the krogan shaman, only to discover that Uvenk has made it here before us, and is demanding that Grunt be banned from the rite of passage.
Mom: Remind me again why I care about any of this.
Me: He’s your brother!
Shepard angrily demands that we get this over with, which angers the shaman. We manage to win him back over by giving Uvenk a swift headbutt. He dismisses Uvenk’s objections and takes us to the Urdnot proving ground.
Rite of Passage
We explain that we’ve come to Tuchanka because something is wrong with Grunt. Wreav jumps off his throne to smell him.
Mom: [Grunt] Shit his diaper.
Wreav: This krogan smells like a juvenile.
Mom: Don’t talk around it dude, he crapped his pants.
We explain that Grunt was created by Warlord Okeer. Wreav mentions that Okeer was a very hated krogan, but also says that hate can be a good thing.
Mom: I like this guy.
Ignoring the objections of his right-hand krogan, Wreav sends us to speak with the Urdnot shaman about receiving the rite of passage.
We head into the Clan Urdnot complex, and are met by Urdnot Wreav. He warns us that the krogan are aware of who we are, and are unhappy about our destruction of the genophage cure on Virmire and our murder of Urdnot Wrex.
Mom: I don’t remember any of that.
Me: For once, there’s an option for that.
We tell Wreav that we don’t recall anything he’s talking about. He informs us that he’s actually somewhat pleased with our actions, because the death of Wrex has allowed him to rise to power.
Mom: Hah! See? I always have a plan.
Me: No you don’t.
Mom: I most certainly—
Mom: Shut up.
I’ve Read That Fanfiction
Grunt is incredibly agitated, feeling angry and irritated and unable to control his killer instinct.
Mom: Why do I care again?
Me: He’s your little brother!
Mom: Oh fine.
We head to Tuchanka to find Grunt a krogan doctor.
Me: Since we’re here to help Grunt, we have to take him along. Do you want to take Jacob or Jack as our second?
Mom: Me and her got a little lesbian thing going on.
Me: …Look, you can’t be having sex with every single member of your crew.
Mom, Pff, says you.
Why does this always have to be difficult
Me: Alright, so Mordin, Garrus, and Grunt, your little brother, all want help from us.
Mom; Yeah, I’ll bet.
Me: So you don’t want to see what any of them want?
Me: Alright, let’s see what else we can do then. We can “Investigate Project Overlord.”
Mom: That sounds boring.
Me: We can recruit “The Justicar” or “The Assassin.”
Mom: We already did the Assassin thing! It was boring!
Me: No we didn’t. We can also help the one-eyed guy kill a gang leader
Me: We can go help Hackett rescue his spy friend.
Mom: And why would we do that?
Me: She has info on the bad guys.
Mom: Also boring. Let’s go see what my little brother wants.