Me: So, who do you hate more. Ashley or Miranda?

Mom: Hmm. Miranda.

Me: Yeah?

Mom: Yeah. Ashley was a bitch but at least she fell in line when I told her to. Miranda seems to think she’s in charge which is bullshit.

Failing to learn my lesson from Feros, I try to barrel through the next room full of enemies and make it to the elevator without fighting. I get killed pretty quick.

Mom: You kind of suck at this game.

Me: Shut up!

After a quick reload I fight my way through the room and head up to save Ashley, when we receive a message from the Normandy team. The Geth have discovered them, and are putting too much pressure on them. With no alternatives left, Kaidan activates the bomb early. Mom tells Kaidan (with glee) that she’s going back for him and abandoning Ashley. Kaidan objects, but Ashley tells him that it will be okay.

Mom: God, when is she going to take a hint and stop hitting on my man?

We tell Ashley to die with pride and head back to the rest of the crew.

Mom: Now you’re SURE we can’t kill [Tali].

Me: Yes.

Me: Alright, so earlier today, we found out that Saren’s ship Sovereign is alive, and it’s one of the Reapers that Sovereign is trying to bring back. Now we’ve got to go plant a nuke and blow up Saren’s base.

Mom: And where is Saren now?

Me: We don’t know for sure, but he’s most likely around somewhere.

We fight through a few groups of krogan and Geth. We disable one of the base’s AA guns while Ashley and the salarians disable the other, allowing the Normandy to land in the middle of the base with the bomb. Kaidan gets to work arming it when Ashley reports in that they’re being overrun. Kaidan tells us to go save her while he finishes up, and even though Ashley protests we’re given three dialogue options that all mean “we’re coming to help.”

Mom: I’m not good with this. Not good with leaving my boyfriend here and not good with having to go save Ashley’s stupid ass. I wanna just ditch her.

Me: Well, it’s making us say that you want to save her.

Mom: This is bullshit. “No one gets left behind,” I guess. 

The character select screen comes up.

Me: Since Kaidan’s staying behind and we killed Wrex, we’ve got no choice but to bring Tali, the other girl.

Mom: This just keeps getting worse and worse. Wait, Ashley’s about to get killed you said. Can we get [Tali] killed too?!

Me: No.

Mom: Dammit.

Me: So, what’s gonna happen is you’re going to have to choose between killing Ashley and killing Kaidan, your boyfriend.

Mom: Are you serious? That’s not even a choice. Ashley.

Me: Well, that’s what I figured you’d say, but let me lay this on you. Your goal is to seduce Kaidan, steal his money, and kill him, right?

Mom: Yeah.

Me: Well, here’s your opportunity to kill him.

Mom: It’s too soon. My name isn’t on anything yet. I’ve got to wait until I’ve got access to his bank accounts, and THEN I’ll kill him. For now I’m killing the bitch.

We continue to fight our way into Saren’s base. As we proceed, we hear Ashley on the radio, shouting that Kirrahe is dead.

Mom: Well, whatever. He said that he didn’t think he’d make it. What I want to know is why isn’t Ashley dead yet?

We make our way into the base. Kaidan hacks into their security systems.

Mom: My boyfriend is so smart.

He tells us that we can trigger alarms on the far side of the base, which will lighten our load but put more pressure on the distraction team.

Mom: Pff, please. Make it easier for us. I’m the only one that matters here.

Shepard: Ashley can handle it. Set off the alarms.

Mom: And if she can’t handle it, oh well!

Me: So, there are several things we can do in this area to help out the distraction team. Do you want to do them?

Mom: Pff, no. I don’t have time for that.

Me: Okay.

Mom: I’ve got my eye on only one target.

Me: Saren?

Mom: The base of Ashley’s spine.

Kaidan asks us what the hell happened with Wrex, and Mom tells him that he wouldn’t listen to reason. We head back to Kirrahe, and the camera focuses on Shepard and Kaidan.

Mom: (Mockingly) Don’t they make a cute couple? Take a picture on your phone for the website.

Me: Okay.

Mom: Caption it “Don’t they make a cute couple?” Wait, no, caption it “Hot for Mama.”

Me: …

Ashley says something, which immediately catches my mom’s attention.

Mom: What the hell’s she doing here anyway? Did you bring her along?

Me: No, I—

Mom: You better not have brought her along.

Me: I didn’t! The ship landed nearby, everyone’s hanging out around here.

Mom: Can we kill Ashley like we did the other guy?

Me: Well—

Mom: One shot, right in the head.

Me: That’s not exactly what you can do, but—

Mom: Blammo.

Kirrahe mentions that his team is going to distract the Geth while we sneak in the back. He doubts any of them are going to make it out alive, and asks if he can use one of our squad.

Mom: Ooh! Ooh! Take Ashley. Get her killed for me.

Welp.

Back on the Normandy, the crew gathers to discuss its options. Ashley suggests heading for the Mu Relay, but mom tells her that it’s pointless. Not because she thinks it’s a bad idea or because she even understands what Ashley’s talking about. Just because she doesn’t like her.

Garrus suggests heading to Therum to pick up Betty’s daughter, as with her Prothean expertise she might be able to figure out where to go with the Mu Relay. Ashley doesn’t like this idea since Betty was working with Saren, but Tali points out that it was only because Betty was indoctrinated. The two of them continue to argue until mom tells them to shut up and ends the meeting. Joker asks if we’d like to report to the Council, and mom says that she doesn’t want to talk to those guys.

We head down to the second deck to talk with Kaidan.

Mom: [Shepard] needs to wash her face better, she’s shining with grease.

Me: It’s just a really brightly-lit area.

Mom: It makes it look like she’s sweating, and she never sweats.

Kaidan continues to tell us about his backstory, and mom continues to pretend to be interested. He eventually ends the conversation and gets back to work.

Mom: That didn’t go as well as I’d hoped. He should be offering to buy me a drink by now.

Me: Well, considering that none of the bars seem to serve alcohol, how could he?

Mom: Good point.

I continue to wander around the Citadel, and we come across a man named Samesh Bhatia. He says that his wife was a member of the 212, and fought and died on Eden Prime. The military is refusing to release her body to him. Kaidan mentions that Ashley was in the 212, and she might be interested in talking to him.

Mom: Look at him! Sticking up for that bitch. This is exactly why we can’t ever bring the girls with us.

She tells Samesh to go away.

Me: You were talking about prostitutes a lot  yesterday, there’s a brothel on the Citadel if you want to check it out.

Mom: Can we take [Ashley and Tali] there and dump them off?

Me: No.

Mom: Then I don’t care.

Me: Alright, so we’re bringing Kaidan with us. Do you want to bring Wrex or Garrus for our other team-mate?

Mom: Who?

Me: The big guy and the… less big guy. I know you don’t want to bring either of the girls.

Mom: Is there a way we can go get them killed?

Me: No.

Mom: Like run over by a steamroller or something?

Me: Yeah, sorry. No can do.

Mom: Then let’s just bring the smaller alien guy.

Me: Okay.