As we head deeper into the laboratory, we run into a group of Blood Pack mercenaries. Someone named Aresh has hired them to work security for him in exchange for salvaging equipment from the lab. We take them out and head into Jack’s old cell to confront their boss.

Aresh explains that he was one of the other children in Teltin. Clearly unbalanced and traumatized, he says that he refuses to believe that the atrocities committed here were in vain. He’s certain that the Cerberus scientists discovered something incredible about human biotics, and wants to revive the facility to continue their work. His claims are completely empty, but that still leaves the question of what to do with him. Jack pulls a gun.

Mom: “Do it.”

Jack pulls the trigger. Aresh slumps to the floor.

Jack: That felt… good.

Mom: That’s my girl.

We take the shuttle down to the surface of Pragia. Jack starts to get cold feet about returning to the laboratory.

Mom: Oh, suck it up. 

We head into the Teltin Facility and begin to explore the ruins.

Mom: Why does she even care about this? There’s nothing here!

Me: She wants to blow it up.

Mom: Why?

We continue to explore the facility and find several audio logs detailing the experiments that took place here. Teltin was indeed a horrific place, but there’s evidence suggesting that Jack might not have had it quite as bad as she believed, and that the other children that she had envied were being used to test procedures before using them on her. She’s angry and confused and scared.

Mom: What a whiner.

We fight through the rest of Ronald Taylor’s defense and confront the man himself. Since it’s been ten years he doesn’t immediately recognize Jacob, and Mom takes that as evidence of her theory that he’s not even Jacob’s dad.

Taylor explains his despicable actions as best he can. He explains that the distress beacon was damaged in the crash, and because of how long it would take to fix, he made the decision that only the officers would be allowed to eat the safe rations they’d brought along, and the rest of the crew would have to eat the toxic food and hope for treatment later. The decision led to mutiny initially, which he dealt with violently. As the crew became stupider, they began to worship Taylor as a kind of king, and eventually he got absorbed into the fantasy and stopped trying to get rescued. At least, until now. Recently the male hunters have been making headway against his mech forces, and it won’t be long before they overpower him.

Mom: Jesus there’s a lot of talking in this part. Can we just kill him already?

Jacob hands his father a gun with only one shot in it, and leaves him as a pack of feral humans begin to close in. Taylor inhales deeply and shoots himself in the head.

Mom: So long, sucker!

Investigating the wreckage of the ship, we discover that it’s entirely possible that the crew could have survived. We also find a VI that sheds a little more light on the situation. The Gernsback’s captain was killed in the crash, and Jacob’s father, Ronald Taylor, was made into the new captain. He also warns us that the food on the planet is toxic, and eating it can cause a person’s mental faculties to be severely impaired.

Mom: It sounds like your dad ate a little too much of that. stuff.

Continuing up the coast, a woman excitedly approaches us. She’s exultant to see people “from the sky,” and begs us to take her on our “star.” Before we can try to understand what she’s saying, armed men approach. A Paragon Interrupt comes up.

Mom: Pff, like I’m going to start being compassionate now?

They kill the woman but are no match for us. We plow through them and continue onward, finding ourselves in a camp full of women. Speaking with them, we learn that Jacob’s father has been forcing them to eat the toxic food so that he can take advantage of their weakened mental states.

Me: Jacob doesn’t sound too happy about that.

Mom: Yeah, whatever. I’m only here to make him happy. Let’s get this over with. 

During the final showdown with the Collectors, I get myself killed.

Mom turns and stares at me.

I stare at her.

We maintain silent eye contact until the game has reloaded.

I turn to play again and get hit with an airborne couch cushion.

We continue to talk with Grunt. He boasts that he’s the ultimate krogan, but that Okeer’s attempt to implant the krogan cultural heritage in him has failed. He feels no bond with the krogan race, and only seeks to test his combat skills against anyone and everyone he can. And he intends to start by killing us.

Dad: What he doesn’t know is that we’ve got a gun pointed at his nuts.

Grunt continues to monologue about how we’ve proven ourselves inferior to him.

Dad: Please refer to the feeling of cold metal against your scrotum.

The camera pans down to reveal that Shepard does, in fact, have a gun discretely pointed at Grunt. A Renegade Interrupt comes up.

Me: Do something mean?

Mom’s reading something on her computer.

Mom: What?

Me: Do you wanna—do, a… THING!

Mom: Huh? Yes!

It’s too late. The Interrupt disappears.

Mom: I thought I told you to always take those if they were for something bitchy!

Me: And I told you that I would always check with you first!

Mom: You just didn’t want us to shoot his balls off.

Me: Do you want me to skip through the rest of this scene and reload the save so we can take the Interrupt?

Mom: No, don’t bother. We’ll live with your mistake.

Turns out the Renegade dialogue option results in Shepard shooting Grunt anyway. Grunt is lightly wounded, but fine. He’s impressed by our cold-blooded response to his aggression, and agrees to serve on our squad.

Mom: He just needed to be reminded who the big sister was here.

Me: I’m assuming you want to take Jack and Jacob.

Mom: Yep.

We head down to the filthy, polluted world of Korlus. We fight off some Blue Suns when we run into a young mercenary who believes himself to be far more injured than he is.

He tells us what little he knows, that his boss, Jedore, has hired a krogan scientist to breed her an army. The rejects are dumped into the wasteland where the Blue Suns use them for target practice. Another guard comes on the radio and asks for a status update. Mom tells the guard to stay silent, but he moves for the radio anyway. A Renegade Interrupt comes up.

Me: Do something mean?

Mom: What? Huh? Yes! Of course! Always do those. Do all of the mean ones and none of the nice ones. You don’t ever have to ask.

Me: I’ve got to ask, that’s the whole point!

Mom: Whatever.

Me: Anyway that guy didn’t listen to you and you shot him.

Mom: Good.

As we continue to talk with Jack, she suggests that we should steal the Normandy from Cerberus and become pirates.

Mom: Hell yes! Let’s do this.

Me: We can tell her that our mission is too important for that or we can ask how she’d help.

Mom: Screw that where’s the option to say let’s do it!

Me: It’s not there.

Mom: Dammit. “How would you help” then I guess.

Jack jokes about how she would be the one in charge of killing the crews of the ships we attack.

Me: “You enjoy killing” or “Goodbye.”

Mom: No! Where’s the option to take her advice?!

Me: I don’t think the game’s going to let you.

Mom: This sucks.

Me: There are some things we can do to just sort of mess around on the Citadel, but there’s nothing that we need to get done. We could go help Kasumi with the heist or go recruit the Convict.

Mom: Let’s get the Convict.

We fly off to the Purgatory and take Kasumi and Jacob with us.

Mom: Watch out! I’m grumpy, I’m drunk, and I’ve got a Thief.

The prison guards want us to relinquish our guns, but we steadfastly refuse. The prison warden relents and tells us to come along to get Jack, our “package,” from Outprocessing.

Mom: Have you noticed that I always get my way?

On the way, we see a prison guard brutally beating a prisoner. Mom tells the guards to call it off, and threatens them when they refuse.

Mom: See? Everyone does what I say.

Me: Why did you help that guy?

Mom: I gotta stick with my fellow scumbags.

As we continue to fight through the slums, we come across a pack of Blue Suns batarians threatening a human. They believe that he was attempting to dump vials of the plague virus into the ventillation, despite his insistence that it’s actually the cure.

Mom: Decapitate him!

Why can’t she go back to being obsessed with blue-jeans.

The batarians turn to see Shepard, who signals to her squad to start shooting. They’re not fast enough and Mordin’s assistant is killed.

Mom, in imitation of Jerry Seinfeld: That’s a shame.